As I was power walking today I let my Ipod play classical music. Typically I allow my music to set my thoughts and tone, but today I wanted as little influence as possible. I wanted to try to see things from a different perspective; to allow my thoughts to come naturally with the moment. I tried to appreciate the nature I was experiencing where I typically just drive. I took note of a blue jay and even a couple of people riding the trail on horses. And while I smiled at the simplicity of it all, I found myself preoccupied with my typical thoughts. The thoughts that tell me, no matter how far I walk, no matter what I change, it just isn't good enough.
Call me crazy, but unless I am happy with myself, how can I believe anyone else would be happy with me? All my life I had heard, in order for someone to love you, you have to love yourself. Well I don't. And I cant seem to find a way to. Which must mean no one else can either. Subconsciously this haunts me in everything I do and say. I have found ways over the years to put those thoughts to the back of my head, yet they yell so loudly I cant ignore them, ever.
Recently I have started to walk every day. Each step I take I hope will bring me closer to liking myself and ultimately bringing me one step closer to believing I am loved. I try, as I always do, to rationalize the stupidity that is my head, and understand that the old proverb "love yourself so others can love you" really isn't what we are talking about here, but it doesn't seem to matter. The fact is, I just cant understand how someone could love what I loathe so many things about. Every compliment falls short if its intentions. Each "I love you" I question for sincerity.
I am planning some major physical changes in the very near future. Surgical changes. I would be a liar if I said it was anything other than 1% physical need and 99% mental. Some people might not believe a physical risk for an emotional outcome is worth it. I say they are very wrong. The anticipation of this procedure has me redefining who I am already. The thought alone has created an anticipated growth in confidence and self love. I am already feeling the desire to do and experience things I would never have allowed myself to before.
Feeling good inside will enable me to be a better person to others. I no longer want to spend every minute of the day preoccupied with what makes me feel bad. I want to spend time on the things that make me feel good. Until then I will keep walking. Hoping it too takes me closer to where I need to be. Closer to the day where "love thee as you would love thyself" happens. To the day the words "I love you" no longer need to be questioned, just believed.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
Freeing Myself
Its been a little over a year since I began this blog and ultimately a journey like none other. To most my ride has gone undetected. The effects of writing what I typically only allow to swirl in my head has been enlightening, sometimes frightening, but mostly freeing. I wish I had known that 30, 20, even 10 years ago I could have felt this way, had I just opened the door.
This blog has opened the door to an involvement in the LGBT community that I had honestly never even considered. I had no intentions of using these pages to solicit writing opportunities. However, when the opportunities found me I wondered why I hadn't considered how fulling supporting the community through writing could be.
My ultimate goal is to finish my memoir. The thought excites and scares the hell out of me. Someone said recently "....yet you seem so normal", when I was speaking of some experiences I have had. I wonder what she would have said if I had shared anything from my book. Normal? No. Not in the dictionary sense of the word. But to me? Yes. I am normal for what I am supposed to be. I am simply a product of my environment and my experiences, as we all are.
Blogging, writing for LGBT publications, and working on my book this past year has allowed me to learn who I am. It has given me the strength to allow others to learn me too. I have felt decades of emotions wash through me in a small amount of time. It has been an overwhelming, stressful, exhausting experience. Yet it has been one of the most healing things I have ever done.
I will finish my book. I will hopefully send it out to the world. I will share my story for what it is worth. I will not fear the reaction as somehow I know we all can relate. Perhaps not to the tragedies, but to the feelings.
In one year I have managed to undo decades of damage. Thank you for allowing me to do so.
This blog has opened the door to an involvement in the LGBT community that I had honestly never even considered. I had no intentions of using these pages to solicit writing opportunities. However, when the opportunities found me I wondered why I hadn't considered how fulling supporting the community through writing could be.
My ultimate goal is to finish my memoir. The thought excites and scares the hell out of me. Someone said recently "....yet you seem so normal", when I was speaking of some experiences I have had. I wonder what she would have said if I had shared anything from my book. Normal? No. Not in the dictionary sense of the word. But to me? Yes. I am normal for what I am supposed to be. I am simply a product of my environment and my experiences, as we all are.
Blogging, writing for LGBT publications, and working on my book this past year has allowed me to learn who I am. It has given me the strength to allow others to learn me too. I have felt decades of emotions wash through me in a small amount of time. It has been an overwhelming, stressful, exhausting experience. Yet it has been one of the most healing things I have ever done.
I will finish my book. I will hopefully send it out to the world. I will share my story for what it is worth. I will not fear the reaction as somehow I know we all can relate. Perhaps not to the tragedies, but to the feelings.
In one year I have managed to undo decades of damage. Thank you for allowing me to do so.
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