I have you all to thank

"I love the you no one gets to see but me." A line from a movie the other night that my wife repeated to me several times that evening as well as emailing it to me the next morning. Each time she said it I answered in my head or aloud "that's about 90% of me." I have never been someone else to most people, I just have never allowed most people to know who I am completely, or at all. Most of my life has been spent staying in the role that people can relate to easiest and without much question. The most controversial thing I am to most is a lesbian. Some days that is hard enough for the majority to handle.

Since I began this blog less than a year ago, I have allowed you all to travel my journey of self discovery and acceptance of who I am along with me. I have gone back and reread some of my entries realizing I am still finding things in those words about myself that surprise me. Sometimes it feels like I am reading a stranger's writing. I find myself captivated by the words and feeling a bit uneasy that I displayed them for the world to see. I get to know me each time I write and again when I read it. Its a never ending process that I would typically never allow people to join me in.

Since I use anonymity in my blog and my columns, I suppose I get a false sense of security. Somehow I assumed a fictitious name would keep people from knowing me. Until now I didn't realize the name had little to do with it. I am still putting myself out there. I am still taking this very real journey. I am still discovering who I am, all names aside. And I am still allowing anyone interested to take the ride with me. For the first time in my life I feel free of a lot of things. Free of a lot of anger, resentment, self loathing and misunderstanding. I feel free of shame and the need to hide. I am finally free of the pounding desire to share who I am with people and not just little tiny pieces to fit into most social circles appropriately.

My wife will always be the only one that knows me, the complete me. Her repeated statement "I love the you no one gets to see but me" holds steadfast. However I am finding there are so many people that do relate, that do see me for most of who I am and haven't run screaming from the complexities. I am no longer 90% inside myself. And I have you all to thank.