We all change over the course of our lives. Situations, relationships and environment shift who we are. There are times when you wake up and wonder, where the heck "you" went. And times when you thank the powers that be for getting you to the other side. Either way, change is inevitable and certainly shaped by situation and maturity. I don't like change. It upsets my OCD. However I love personal growth. I have grown more in the past couple of years than I think I have my entire life combined. And while I love getting to know myself honestly, I am having difficulties looking back on the changes that have taken place previously that I am not so happy about.
Once upon a time I truly cherished and loved my women. I was a gentleman in everything I did. I gave 110% to whoever I was with, oftentimes obsessively so. I expected nothing in return other than for them to acknowledge the fact that they knew they were treated well. Their happiness was my happiness. Somewhere that stopped working for me. Someone found a way to take everything I was and everything I offered and make a mockery of it. That someone, who I care nothing about today, managed to effect who I am and how I continue to live my life. Sadly every relationship since has suffered. I doubt those I was with felt short changed because that is the only way they knew me. However I know the potential I had as a partner, and the amount of "me" they never got.
The change I experienced and have carried with me was because of my environment, not because I wanted to change. Now that I am "finding myself", I think I need to be open to the idea of reversing negative change and allowing my personal growth to include the pieces of me taken at someone else's hands.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Boxer Briefs and a Bra
I haven't spent nearly as much time writing my thoughts as I have been thinking them. With so much happening these past couple of months I must admit I run out of time in the day before I run out of things I need to accomplish. Sometimes taking the time to write feels selfish when there are so many more important things to be doing. Today, however, it is rainy and dark and nothing else seems like a better idea then sharing my thoughts.
As many of you know I recently had breast reduction surgery. The purpose of the surgery was to alleviate some of the disgust I had for my body as well as get rid of a lot of what kept me from feeling like me. I refer to it as chest surgery rather than breast reduction surgery because I feel more connected to me having a chest than I do breasts. Actually I think I have a chest with breasts, or something like that. The chest/breast confusion just mirrors the rest of the confusion I face within my gender.
The decision I made to have the surgery was never in question, the decision as to how much to remove was, and still is. A lot of people dont understand the blurred gender I live within. For most people gender is one or the other, even if they feel they are the 'wrong' one. I never fit the matronly female body I carried, but I certainly would not fit a male body either. So taking too much off would put me in just as much of an uncomfortable position as keeping what I had. My quest was to make the breasts small enough to wear male clothes yet large enough to wear female clothes. Most days I wear a little of both. Although I wish the outcome was a little smaller than they ended up (or are at this point in the recovery), I am happy with my choice.
Since I write a lot on gender identity, it is no wonder I have a large transgender following. I am a huge advocate for the transgender community and understand a lot of what they feel. However, I am not transgender. During the past couple of months as I have shared my boob journey, I have found myself feeling like I need to explain why I only took some off and not them all. I have felt the same misunderstanding about being genderqueer from the trans community as I have the gender conforming community. For once in a very long time I am experiencing the tiny place where those whittled out of the larger communities reside.
I am not a butch lesbian, I am genderqueer. I am not a transman that hasn't transitioned, I am genderqueer. I am not a man or a woman, I am both and neither. I wear boxer briefs and a bra.
As many of you know I recently had breast reduction surgery. The purpose of the surgery was to alleviate some of the disgust I had for my body as well as get rid of a lot of what kept me from feeling like me. I refer to it as chest surgery rather than breast reduction surgery because I feel more connected to me having a chest than I do breasts. Actually I think I have a chest with breasts, or something like that. The chest/breast confusion just mirrors the rest of the confusion I face within my gender.
The decision I made to have the surgery was never in question, the decision as to how much to remove was, and still is. A lot of people dont understand the blurred gender I live within. For most people gender is one or the other, even if they feel they are the 'wrong' one. I never fit the matronly female body I carried, but I certainly would not fit a male body either. So taking too much off would put me in just as much of an uncomfortable position as keeping what I had. My quest was to make the breasts small enough to wear male clothes yet large enough to wear female clothes. Most days I wear a little of both. Although I wish the outcome was a little smaller than they ended up (or are at this point in the recovery), I am happy with my choice.
Since I write a lot on gender identity, it is no wonder I have a large transgender following. I am a huge advocate for the transgender community and understand a lot of what they feel. However, I am not transgender. During the past couple of months as I have shared my boob journey, I have found myself feeling like I need to explain why I only took some off and not them all. I have felt the same misunderstanding about being genderqueer from the trans community as I have the gender conforming community. For once in a very long time I am experiencing the tiny place where those whittled out of the larger communities reside.
I am not a butch lesbian, I am genderqueer. I am not a transman that hasn't transitioned, I am genderqueer. I am not a man or a woman, I am both and neither. I wear boxer briefs and a bra.
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