Did you ever have one of those days when you think, I just want to be free to do what I want, when I want and how I want? I am not talking about staying in bed late, taking the day off of work or jumping out of an airplane. I am talking about allowing yourself the freedom to do what comes naturally, or wants to come naturally.
We have become a society of constant editing. Every move we make is based on someone else's potential reaction.
I commute to work. Many times while driving I will shut the radio off and ask myself, "what do you want to do at this very moment?" Not something on my bucket list, but honestly what I want to do at that very moment. The answers vary; scream, cry, make stupid faces, pick my nose etc. I am not really looking to answer my question, I am looking to allow myself that freedom when there is no reason to edit myself.
It's not as easy as you think.
Yesterday I looked a little deeper into why I feel so uncomfortable doing what feels like it should be natural. Why I am afraid to sing at the top of my lungs, cry buckets of tears, or dance, even when alone. The fear of criticism waiting in the wings is powerful. The reality of it may have been over 30 years ago, but the wounds must still be fresh. It sucks.
If I could do what I wanted, reacted how I wished I could, allowed myself to the freedom just to be, life would completely different for me. My self editing has molded me into someone that now I am realizing is very different than who I should have been.
I am making progress in my attempt to free myself, not from the holds of the past but from who I have allowed myself to be because of it.
I am so much more.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Beer Muscles
Recently I have been anazlying the cyber relationships I watch unfold and unfortunately fold here on Facebook. I pass no judgments, just make what I like to call observations. Those observations tend to lead me to opinions, but not judgement.
I think back to my own relationship that started online in a chat room over 15 years ago. The online world gives people a false sense of security and what someone recently referred to as beer muscles. Similar to the beer goggles one might wear after a few drinks at the bar, beer muscles enable you to feel more secure, confident and powerful than you typically would without them. That being said, I have never felt that beer goggles or beer muscles resulted in thoughts and actions you otherwise would not take, I believe they make you a truer version of yourself by wiping out the inhibitions that we place on ourselves out of morality or even fear.
In that chat room 15 years ago I was very confident with my beer muscles. I was able to let who I was out honestly (with a few embellishments) and openly within the context of what I wanted to be seen. Being online enables you to click, delete, or escape when an uncomfortable situation arises. If life had such provisions, we all might be a little truer to ourselves. For me, online relationships were a great way for me to feel out my different sides with people that I grew to trust and "know" but didn't have to face if it went all wrong.
The problem I am seeing is when online relationships morph into real time ones. Suddenly the confident, flirty, sometimes arrogant person you fell for in IMs is only capable to showing you the meek, unsure, and wishy washy person they are in real time. It is easy to feel short changed after investing time and energy into someone only to find out they not at all who you thought they were. And although we all are who we portray online to some degree, what we feel confident showing on the Internet may be the least of what we show real time.
My relationship moved to real time with the premise that the dynamics would be only what we shared online. There were no expectations other than that. Time and establishing other dynamics between us AFTER the Internet is what kept us together and let us grow to where we are 15 years later. For many people, the meeting for the first time comes with expectations. False ones. The butterflies you get when you see that special someone pop online, the anxiety waiting for your Email to load hoping for a letter, the dozens of emoticons you send back and forth don't transfer well to real life.
It is very easy for someone to say they will take care of you. It is simple to convey strength and love in text, even on the phone. But until you are faced with the reality of who you are and who you can comfortably be in front of someone, you cannot possibly know how it will work out.
Each day I see the lovey dovey status' of those courting from afar. I watch, eagerly rooting for the couple to actually be a couple someday. Unfortunately I see the misery that often comes when they realize they were courting someone completely different than who showed up on the doorstep.
I believe we all are what we show people, to a degree. Even the unkempt man in his dirty underwear pretending to be a 13 year old girl online is who he portrays, somewhere, somehow, inside. And maybe life experience and maturity enables some to be confident enough to show their true selves upon a meeting. But for many I think the online romance far outweighs reality.
I am grateful for the online world enabling me to find someone who otherwise I would probably never have crossed paths with. But I am just as grateful that I waited to show who I really was when the real time time was right.
I think back to my own relationship that started online in a chat room over 15 years ago. The online world gives people a false sense of security and what someone recently referred to as beer muscles. Similar to the beer goggles one might wear after a few drinks at the bar, beer muscles enable you to feel more secure, confident and powerful than you typically would without them. That being said, I have never felt that beer goggles or beer muscles resulted in thoughts and actions you otherwise would not take, I believe they make you a truer version of yourself by wiping out the inhibitions that we place on ourselves out of morality or even fear.
In that chat room 15 years ago I was very confident with my beer muscles. I was able to let who I was out honestly (with a few embellishments) and openly within the context of what I wanted to be seen. Being online enables you to click, delete, or escape when an uncomfortable situation arises. If life had such provisions, we all might be a little truer to ourselves. For me, online relationships were a great way for me to feel out my different sides with people that I grew to trust and "know" but didn't have to face if it went all wrong.
The problem I am seeing is when online relationships morph into real time ones. Suddenly the confident, flirty, sometimes arrogant person you fell for in IMs is only capable to showing you the meek, unsure, and wishy washy person they are in real time. It is easy to feel short changed after investing time and energy into someone only to find out they not at all who you thought they were. And although we all are who we portray online to some degree, what we feel confident showing on the Internet may be the least of what we show real time.
My relationship moved to real time with the premise that the dynamics would be only what we shared online. There were no expectations other than that. Time and establishing other dynamics between us AFTER the Internet is what kept us together and let us grow to where we are 15 years later. For many people, the meeting for the first time comes with expectations. False ones. The butterflies you get when you see that special someone pop online, the anxiety waiting for your Email to load hoping for a letter, the dozens of emoticons you send back and forth don't transfer well to real life.
It is very easy for someone to say they will take care of you. It is simple to convey strength and love in text, even on the phone. But until you are faced with the reality of who you are and who you can comfortably be in front of someone, you cannot possibly know how it will work out.
Each day I see the lovey dovey status' of those courting from afar. I watch, eagerly rooting for the couple to actually be a couple someday. Unfortunately I see the misery that often comes when they realize they were courting someone completely different than who showed up on the doorstep.
I believe we all are what we show people, to a degree. Even the unkempt man in his dirty underwear pretending to be a 13 year old girl online is who he portrays, somewhere, somehow, inside. And maybe life experience and maturity enables some to be confident enough to show their true selves upon a meeting. But for many I think the online romance far outweighs reality.
I am grateful for the online world enabling me to find someone who otherwise I would probably never have crossed paths with. But I am just as grateful that I waited to show who I really was when the real time time was right.
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