Did you ever have one of those days when you think, I just want to be free to do what I want, when I want and how I want? I am not talking about staying in bed late, taking the day off of work or jumping out of an airplane. I am talking about allowing yourself the freedom to do what comes naturally, or wants to come naturally.
We have become a society of constant editing. Every move we make is based on someone else's potential reaction.
I commute to work. Many times while driving I will shut the radio off and ask myself, "what do you want to do at this very moment?" Not something on my bucket list, but honestly what I want to do at that very moment. The answers vary; scream, cry, make stupid faces, pick my nose etc. I am not really looking to answer my question, I am looking to allow myself that freedom when there is no reason to edit myself.
It's not as easy as you think.
Yesterday I looked a little deeper into why I feel so uncomfortable doing what feels like it should be natural. Why I am afraid to sing at the top of my lungs, cry buckets of tears, or dance, even when alone. The fear of criticism waiting in the wings is powerful. The reality of it may have been over 30 years ago, but the wounds must still be fresh. It sucks.
If I could do what I wanted, reacted how I wished I could, allowed myself to the freedom just to be, life would completely different for me. My self editing has molded me into someone that now I am realizing is very different than who I should have been.
I am making progress in my attempt to free myself, not from the holds of the past but from who I have allowed myself to be because of it.
I am so much more.
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