"Break the cycle"

I watched Oprah's Master Class last night. Jane Fonda was telling her story.  At one point she mentioned her mother, or lack there of, and all that she went through as a child.  Tales of childhood sorrows resonate with many of us. Naturally I thought about my own childhood and my own mother.  She went on to say that when she realized her mother had been a victim of abuse as a child herself, it all made sense. Of course she used more words than that and described her emotions with great detail.  The point of it was that her realization somehow relieved her of her own pain, and her mother's accountability.  I wanted to buy it.  I really did.  But I couldn't.

My mom, for a lack of better words, was a real jerk. She was demanding, a perfectionist, self centered, too strict and emotionally draining. She belittled, complained about, and was obviously ashamed of me. I could never have measured up, not to her expectations anyway.  She had issues.  And thanks to her, now I do. At one point in my young adult life I tried, very hard, to relieve her of the guilt I felt she should be feeling.  I told myself that she too was a victim of an overbearing, unreasonable and simply crazy mother.  I wanted to excuse her behavior because "she didn't now better",or "that is how she was raised".  But no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't do it.

I am a mother now myself.  I was raised by Godzilla who was raised by Godzilla, and yet, I am not Godzilla.  Certainly some of my parenting style has trickled down from the zillas, but I do not emotionally or physically hurt my children.  I know better than to be that to them.  Surely at some point, my mom could have said, "I don't have to be this. It didn't feel good to me, why would I do it to them".  But she didn't. She had the ability, she just didn't have the strength or desire.

At some point childhood sorrows needs to stop being a crutch and an excuse. My mom never used it as an excuse, but every one else did in her defense. (actually she still has yet to acknowledge her behavior) I feel sorry for her and what she endured.  I really do.  However living through those scenarios does not "entitle" someone to be behave improperly towards another. We all have heard the slogan "break the cycle".  There is no reason it couldn't have started with her.  But I am very glad it started with me. I am sure my children feel the same way.