The Suicide Door

Today's topic was going to be written from a purely selfish position. Although there are always people out there that will relate, the topic itself would have been fueled by me and how it effects me primarily. I decided that I needed to not only write for myself today, I felt obligated to write for others.

Yesterday I commented on someone's post regarding teenage suicide. The topic itself always hits home as I struggled with depression most of my life. As an adult I am more capable of finding ways to combat those feelings. I have more life experience which to draw from and more resources. Suicide kills more young people each year than traffic accidents. We spend a considerable amount of money in this country trying to keep our youth safe behind the wheel. Why don't we spend the same, or more, trying to keep our kids safe from their own sadness?

As I look back now, I can see how things unfolded in my life that created my depression. My friends knew little of it, my family chose to ignore it. I felt I had zero outlets and resources. Dysfunctional household relationships, violence, rejection, substance abuse, self esteem, sexual orientation, gender issues. Likely you know someone that has experienced at least some of the things listed above. Just living through one of those experiences can be enough to trigger an emotional imbalance.

I want to say I don't blame anyone when a suicide occurs, but actually I do. I don't believe for one minute the people that say "we never saw a sign". The signs are there. Someone doesn't become suicidal overnight. Anyone close to a young person should be able to see the signs. Even when teens are so off the wall and ever changing. The key is to 'know' these kids. Really know them. To form bonds and healthy relationships with them so you are in tune with the warning signs. Not all kids will sleep all day, cry all night, doodle dead people on their notebooks. Its not that simple. But they ALL exhibit some behavior that says "please, the door is open, come in and find me". All too often, people walk past the door or choose to ignore it.

The worst thing you can ever do for someone feeling suicidal, is to diminish those feelings. In an attempt to 'kick start' their strength, the most common response is "get over it". Many times all a person with suicidal ideations needs is validation that they are feeling bad. Trying to 'help' them ignore their feelings is the same thing as saying they don't exist. Even trying to explain why what they feel is irrational sends the same message. What that young person hears is "YOU are irrational".

I know from experience that suicide is not the first option you think of, and certainly not the end result you truly want. Its a long process of constantly being invalidated that eventually reinforces the notion that no matter what, no one is ever going to care or understand.

Its not easy to deal with young people these days. Its difficult to understand where they come from. Its distressing to see the world they live in. But one thing that has never changed are human feelings. They have them and they need to be acknowledged. It IS the responsibility of those close to them to learn these kids. To pay attention to these kids. To know when that door is open and to walk through.

Tegretol

Today I was recalling the trials and tribulations of dealing with my mental disorders, specifically the medications I used to take. Although I am still certifiable, I no longer take any psychological medications. The reasons I stopped medicating my head were numerous. The weight gain, the dream like state, the amount of medications I had to take to combat the side effects of ones I was already on, the cost, the stigma, and the aggravation. I am a very intelligent person and capable of rationalizing what is occurring in my head, even when it makes no sense or speaks to me in strange native tongues. I keep reality close at hand and although sometimes it feels like work, I am perfectly capable of living without medications.

During my stroll down medication lane, I tried to recall all the different medications I have taken over the years for every different crazy label they had me wearing. Most were ineffective in what they were supposed to do, which is probably why I had so many diagnoses over the years. Most of my issues were not things that medication could change.

I took the drug Tegratol for a while in combination with other anti psychotic drugs. I distinctly remember this drug because it had a very altering effect on how I perceived myself. During this time, I was more in touch with my feminine side than I had been all my life. I didn't pay much attention to it, I just noticed it. I question any time when I swing to the gender extreme for any extended period of time. I cant say as though I recall the changes when I switched off Tegretol, and honestly it never really mattered then.

Many years later, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Many things about this diagnosis brought sense to who I am. The gender identity issues, the abandonment issues, the lack of gray areas in my relationships, the disassociating etc, all made sense.

I was asked to write a book on BPD and gender identity. In researching medical references regarding the topic, I became aware of the use of Tegretol for people with BPD. It seems the use of Tegretol has been documented to relieve its sufferers from gender identity disorder. It seems that upwards of 50% of people with BPD that were seeking sex reassignment as an option, decided against it after taking Tegratol.

So this brings a million possibilities and questions to the surface. Since a large majority of those that suffer from borderline personality disorder have gender identity issues, is it the disorder that makes one question their identity, or the other way around. If indeed its the disorder, what is the BPD and ultimately the Tegretol changing that would alter someone's gender perception? Or is the medication simply finding its way to a part of the brain that is blocking the true awareness? Should this medication be given to people questioning their gender just to 'make sure' sex reassignment is the right answer for them? What happens if someone has sex reassignment surgery then ends up taking this anticonvulsant that could potentially be prescribed for a multitude of conditions? Would they suddenly be faced with the dread of making a wrong decision?

I believe Tegretol does reduce gender identity issues. But only by reducing a person's awareness levels. I don't believe that I was who I 'was supposed to be' while I was taking it. I don't recall missing the other sides of me, but in retrospect, I think I feel a tad slighted.

Complete When Intact

Taking quizzes about ourselves seems to be a great boredom buster for a lot of people. I'm sure you will agree that the only ones worthy of your attention or posting on Facebook are the ones that seem accurate, or your perception of accurate anyway.

The other day I was reading an article on a 'medical advisory' website that had personality type quizzes. I must have spent a good portion of my afternoon checking how I fared in the jealousy, self esteem, sensuality and many other areas. While I don't take these quizzes to heart, I was surprised to see a common pattern.

Almost all of the results were opposite of what I had expected. According to this site, I have normal jealousy issues, I have an appropriate amount of self esteem, I have minimal attachment issues etc. The list went on and on. A couple were accurate but those were based primarily on sexuality and passion.

I started to wonder. How could I possibly get results that were so far off from what I thought of myself? Is it possible that I am more well adjusted than I give myself credit for? Or did it depend on which part of me these quizzes were tapping into? Surely where my head was would alter the results. But I don't consciously know 'who' was clicking at that moment.

It is true that my different personalities alter how I deal with people and situations. I am sure that's why I have them to begin with. Most of the time I switch my head space to help me fit in better to a social situation or to change an undesirable mood I may be in. I am very well aware of changing head spaces and I don't recall feeling anything other than 'just me' while I was engrossed in these quizzes.

So my hypothesis is that maybe the real me is more well adjusted than each of the little pieces of me. That separated, they don't function as well. It made me realize that I am much more complete with components intact, genders and all.

Dissassociating

I suffer from panic attacks. Lately they seem to be occurring more frequently than usual. I no longer take medication for them, I no longer take any psych medications at all. They were causing more harm to my body than they were doing good to my head. I have spent many years with therapists and reading material finding ways to combat these attacks and move on undetected. For the most part it works. They aren't as debilitating as they once were, and most people don't know I even suffer from them.

A common symptom of a spontaneous panic attack is disassociation, which includes depersonalization and derealisation. There is little information as to whether a panic attack brings these on, or these events trigger the panic attack. For me, I can say with almost complete certainty, its the disassociation that brings on the panic attack.

When someone dissassociates, they enter a trance like state. It has been noted that this is considered an 'ability' not a reflex response. Most people who 'suffer' from this have been dissassociating since childhood, but never even realize it. Apparently this ability affords the child a defense to remove themselves from certain situations.

Dissassocaiting for me is scary. Many people embrace the ability, I run from it. Hence the panic attack that it triggers. Physically, depersonalizing is frightening. The feeling that you are not 'inside' your own body is not as much fun as it sounds. "Seeing" yourself from the outside is strange to say the least. Add to that the physical manifestations of derealisation, such as being in a dream, not being 'connected' to your surroundings etc, and it all becomes an awful experience for me. Tunnel vision, perceptions that your body is massively larger or smaller than it is, seeing stationary objects move etc, are all things that occur during disassociating. Ironically, I used to pay good money for drugs back in the day just to feel this same way.

The point of this all is to try to trace this particular 'ability' back to when I first realized it happened. And until I worked on the book I am writing, I would never have made the connection to the disassociation sensations and my childhood. However, now I can clearly recall many times (all fairly traumatic or memorable) that I used my 'ability' to escape.

I am unsure when the sensations began to trigger the panic. But through my writing and reliving, I hope to find out. I embrace the possibility of changing the effect it has on me, and once again be able to benefit from my 'ability'.

BBQ Anxiety

I was invited to a BBQ yesterday evening for a co-worker/friend's birthday. It was a surprise party. The days leading up to the party left me apprehensive. Actually from the moment I received the invitation I was apprehensive.

If you ask anyone that has spent time with me in a social situation, they will tell you that I am a social butterfly. That I can find common ground with just about anyone that starts a conversation with me. That I am witty, charming, and a bit of a flirt. The irony on all of that is, I don't feel that way about myself at all.

I have always questioned why people would choose to spend time with me, or seek out my company. Everyone else always seemed to be the superhero. Me, falling short of even the trusty sidekick. I think being my own worst enemy keeps me from social situations that apparently I fit very well into.

When I received the invitation to this party, I immediately scanned the Evite to see who was invited and size up my competition. I needed to know how I would have to dress, what I would need to bring, what drink would make me look appropriate. There is a lot of stress and anxiety involved in deciding to go to something social. I don't think I am socially inept just way too judgmental of myself. So much so, I assume everyone else is going to spend all night judging me too. I want to make sure I do everything in my power just to fit in and get lost on the crowd.

Fifteen minutes after arriving, I am already feeling settled. I have sought out the first familiar comfortable face and gravitated to it. After a cocktail and some small talk, I work the room (in this case, the yard). By the end of the night, I am everyone's best friend. People hugging me, crying to me, trying to include me. It feels unfamiliar even though this is what happens every time.

I had a great night. Like I do every time I muster up the courage to put myself into a situation that my head tells me not to. I am learning that the terrible things my life experience has caused my head to think about myself is truly not what other people's heads think of me.

Too Comfortable to Write

I usually write when I am inspired. Inspired by overwhelming emotion, be it good or bad. Apparently I am overwhelmed most days, as you can see I rarely lapse in an entry.

Today I feel particularly OK. Not something I can say most days. This past week was a roller coaster. As I look back on my blog and recall the events that brought on the emotions that inspired the entries, I can understand why my head is pounding and my neck is a knot.

Yesterday I was finally able to rid myself of some bottled up emotion and enable myself to get past it and move on. I was able to appreciate my Friday at work, enjoy the radio while commuting and have wonderful passionate sex last night. All things that earlier in the week would have been near impossible.

I am not overwhelmed with emotion today, but that which I feel is very comfortable. A little too comfortable to inspire me to write.

Enjoy your day! I am enjoying mine. I'm sure I will see you tomorrow.

The Crazy in Me

Having a 'mental illness' comes with a lot of stigma. Mainly because the majority of people do not understand it. I place no blame on their ignorance. Most people only learn of it when it directly effects them or a loved one. To the masses, mental illness just means crazy. Crazy is something we try to avoid. Hence, those who suffer are often avoided.

I really don't find it difficult to understand the lack of compassion most have for the mentally ill. Just as I don't find ignorance and unintentional biases about anything difficult to understand. Its all relative and all a matter of exposure and life experience.

I suffer from borderline personality disorder. Yes, its a mental illness. No, I am not completely off my rocker(unless of course you ask my family). BPD is usually caused by a series of events in a person's life. And yes, I can probably tell you how it came about. But then I am placing blame. Is blame something I need to assign? I have never thought so. I have always just figured I was a victim of unfortunate events when I was young. I have always told myself that it is my responsibility to handle myself properly in spite of those occurrences.

To most people, I look like anyone else. I function like anyone else. I am visibly a little more moody than some but I don't think I am the topic of anyone's dinner conversation. At almost 42 years of age, I have managed to get through life and be fairly productive. But this has not come without a challenge.

My gender identity issues are by far the thing that give me the most run for my money. Not because I am completely uncomfortable in being gender fluid, but because the rest of the world doesn't see it, doesn't relate to me that way and doesn't understand it. It puts me at a severe disadvantage in a lot of social situations. It puts me at a greater disadvantage during an emotional crisis.

My wife is probably the only one that truly 'knows' my gender issues, but I can't say that she fully understands them. She accepts the flexible spaces and compliments them most of the time. However it is very frustrating when she misses a cue. Suddenly the dynamic puts us on opposite planes. I get frustrated. I wait for her to 'find' me and come to center. Sometimes that just doesnt happen. Sometimes I am left feeling very alone and very helpless.

Those with BPD suffer incredible amounts of abandonment issues. Most of them completely irrational, but real just the same. So when I am standing on the opposite end of the spectrum, in a space that is not being related to, the perception of being abandoned is unbearable. With this comes resentment. "why didnt you come for me?". Clearly it is not my wife's fault, but the feelings are genuine and raw none-the-less.

Eventually I find my way back. I have learned that if I dont, I will just remain lost; that it isn't someone else's responsibility to save me from myself.

Survival Strength

Most people have a story to tell. Most people can recall life changing events they have experienced and lived through. Most people come out on the other side. This is common. What isn't so common, is where we are when we do come out on the other side. What is that other side for you? Naturally circumstance and situation will play major roles in the effect a particular experience will have on you. However many people will agree that the old adage "what doesn't kill me, only makes me stronger" does apply. So I am choosing to write about that 'strength'.

When we speak of the strength we gain from living through an emotional experience, we speak of it in terms of pride. Proud to be able to say 'I survived'. And survival should be seen as a prideful event. But what happens when you realize that you haven't 'come out on the other side'? When you realize the 'strength' you are feeling isn't from surviving, but rather a constant survival tool you continue to live with.

For me my strength is a coping tool. A way to keep things at arms length. A way to keep myself from looking vulnerable. A way to make people believe that I have come out on the other side. But the truth is, I have used my strength to keep from feeling. Strength enables me to feel more powerful than my other emotions. This is not to say I don't feel. Because I do. Probably more than a lot of people. Which can explain why I use this technique for protection.

This defense mechanism works well. A lot of the time. However what happens when you want to be vulnerable? When you want to throw down the strength and allow someone to rescue you? The times when it just seems too much to rise above and the need to allow yourself to feel the pain becomes necessary? That's where the true meaning of strength emerges. When you find the ability to strip yourself of your shields and stand emotionally naked in front of someone, that's strength.

The strength to let go of the strength is liberating and often necessary in order to be true to yourself.

Senses Reeling

We all know we have five major senses. Some of us have the proverbial sixth. But do you truly pay attention to what your senses are telling you? Do you really appreciate the magnitude of their capabilities? I, for one, definitely appreciate my senses to their fullest.

Sight is probably the one sense I rely on the least for emotional attachment. Seeing things doesn't seem to evoke as much emotion as say, hearing or smelling. Actually I find that my sense of sight brings on more negative feelings and memories. My guess is that sight is used so much that we rely on it for most things. It has the ability to trigger judgment, on both ourselves and others, a lot more readily than the other senses.

Hearing is also used to a great extent. However one must hear something particularly disturbing to trigger a negative feeling. Hearing is much more apt to bring forth pleasant memories. This, by far, is the sense that carries me to many places, all in a single day.

I love music. Music has been very instrumental in my life. It has allowed me to escape, to express myself, to wallow in self pity, and to recall butterfly in my stomach moments. It enables me to associate with all the different parts of my persona. There is hardly a time when music is not available at my fingertips.

I was driving home from New Hope the other night and was listening to my IPod. I was noting how easily my mood and my personality could change when the songs did. I started wondering how something could have such power over me. How I have associated certain tunes and tones with certain people or times in my life. Its not just 'our song' types that trigger it. Its the melodies and tones themselves. Its the sound of the singer's voice or the genre of music. Memories flood into me quickly.

Unfortunately, as much as I appreciate my senses keeping me very in tune with my emotions, I equally harbor a distaste for the way it sends me reeling into head spaces I am just not prepared to be in.

If you have read my earlier blog entries, you would have noted that I suffer from borderline personality disorder and gender identity issues. Imagine how distressing it is to hear a song, be taken to a particular memory, settle into the feelings those memories bring forth, only to be flipped to somewhere else as soon as the next song comes on. And although most people can relate to music reminding them of a special moment in time, being taken between genders at a moments notice can cause quite a feeling of being unbalanced. Especially when I am not alone.

I relate to people on a certain level and from a certain part of my personality. Each person taps into a different space and I tend to associate time in their company with a certain dynamic. So listening to music in their company can bring me to a place that simply cannot be associated with them. Its frustrating and can even cause me to feel unfamiliar with my relation to them at that moment. I have, in the past, temporarily left a party, work, my partner or my kids presence, because I was no longer in a space they could identify with. All because of music.

So, thank you IPod, for making the 'playlist' option. You have no idea what a saving grace it has been.

What does Borderline Personality Have to do with it?

I have been diagnosed with just about every psychological disorder you can readily come up with at one point or another. I am not nuts. Maybe not completely stable, but not nuts. I am highly functioning, have a wife and kids and have always held down a full time job. After years of sitting in the chair, across from a doctor I was determined to dislike, recalling my life again and again, I have accumulated a variety of diagnoses. It took me over 20 years and probably as many doctors to realize that all of my symptoms were related, not an accumulation of several disorders. I have what is known as borderline personality disorder. The diagnosis actually came as a relief. It enabled me to throw out a lot of less desirable labels such as scizoaffective, bipolar and psychotic. Borderline personality disorder is not the same as the old multiple personality disorder we are familiar with. I am not Sybil.

I do not want to discuss the definition of BPD, but rather the effects it has and the yearning question of whether or not BPD has anything to do with my gender identity issues. In order to qualify for the prestigious label of borderline, you must exhibit five of about a dozen traits. I think I must be a poster child as I suffer most of them. However, most people can say they identify with many. Gender identity, self image, disassociation and multiple personality are a few of my fond criteria. As I stated above I am not Sybil. I am very well aware of the many sides of me. I do not 'become' someone else and all others are forgotten during that time. I choose to bring out certain personalities when they fit. I'm sure it was a defense mechanism early in my life, but now I see it as an advantage enabling me to fit into any situation comfortably.

So my question today is, am I gender queer because I am, or am I gender queer because I am certifiable? Did my identity issues coupled with my past bring on this psychological disorder or did the psychological disorder coupled with my past bring on my identity issues?