Replacement

Last night my wife was laying her head on my shoulder in bed. Lightly running her hands over my body for no purpose other than to feel me, I asked her what she was thinking. She had no answer, though I find it difficult to imagine a completely quiet mind; something I have never experienced. She then directed the repeated question at me, to which I always have an answer. I told her I was wondering if she had ever pictured someone else laying on my shoulder, touching me the way she was. I know I do it all the time.

For me, removing myself from the relationship and looking at it from an outsider's view is a great way to remind me how horrible it would feel to not be in that space anymore, to see someone else replace me. I picture a scenerio that includes me as the 'ex'. Perhaps sitting on the couch sipping cocktails. Me on one couch, my wife and her new flame cozy on the other. I replay an intimate moment and replace me with someone else. I imagine someone else touching her, doing the things I do, and worst of all, her responding to it. This is usually where I get sick to my stomach and stop thinking.

In that moment, its that nausea and gaping hole in my heart that reminds me to never take what I have for granted. To never let life get so dull and mundane that my replacement looks like a better option. To leave yesterday's spat (not that we have many) in yesterday because bringing it into today could leave me sitting on the other couch tomorrow. The ill I feel from my clearly masochistic thought processes requires me to reflect, constantly, on how easily life could change. How quickly a replacement could come into play. It reminds me that I need to work every day to show the appreciation for what my relationship affords me.

So as you read this, try it. Remove yourself. Watch your relationship be had by someone else. I promise you, the loss you suddenly feel will be replaced with a much needed adoration for your partner.