Now that I have found "me"

I have another facebook account. It is my vanilla, accountant, mother of two page.  "Friends" on that account consist of family, people I didn't care for in high school, co-workers and a very small handful of very important people in my life.  Very few of them are privy to who I am here; the writing, genderqueer, oftentimes unstable Echo Brooks.  Those that I have allowed to take the ride with me both here and there are the few that either know who I really am or would at least be OK with it.  I appreciate those that I haven't had to compartmentalize and hold at arms length.

This morning I posted a song lyric and some comments on my other account. An ex partner of mine made a comment about not realizing I had become so sarcastic.  At first I wondered why she even said that.  Of course I am sarcastic. Everyone knows that.  Don't they?  I stated that surely I had been witty and charming back then. To which she replied  "No you were sincere and heartfelt".

I was quite thrown by that comment.  At first I was concerned that people no longer saw me as genuine and caring.  That concern soon gave way to wondering when I changed.  Apparently I had.  I felt the need to explain myself.  Explain that if she really knew who I was today she would know my sarcasm is a defense mechanism. That my witty remarks keep me from having to be serious with people.  That the chivalrous charm I used to carry with me has been tainted and replaced with mocking charm.  I felt the need to say life has made me this way.  The need to protect myself made me this way.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized she knew me as a young adult just out of childhood.  She knew me before I learned me.  She knew me before the pain of life caught up to me.

I have come a long way since the 1980's.  I have grown and have evolved.   I am still sincere and heartfelt, just guarded.

Now that I have found "me", I need to go back and bring the rest of the pieces along for the ride.