Someone asked me "so, what's your type?" I answered that I don't have one. And that is the honest truth. If they had asked me years ago, and I mean many years ago, I would have been able to describe my "type" to anyone. In my teens it was blond women with big hair, beautiful eyes, a rocking body and an edge. She was straight and dying to "try it out" with a woman. I would step in, be their hero, show them a world they never imagined possible and become the person they speak of still today. That was my type, not my reality. In my twenties it was pretty much the same woman, just a brunette.
In my thirties my life, love, priorities and self began to change. Somewhere on my journey to self discovery, my "type" became those that fed me what I hungered for, despite their looks. I would like to say maturity lessened any sense of shallowness I had, but I do not think that was it. I attribute my change in taste palette to be caused by my self-centeredness. My needs far surpassed what I could get from the small, practically non existent pool of my "types" I could choose from. I honestly wasn't really interested in happily ever after or handing out toasters to the incoming lesbians anymore. In my thirties I started to embrace who I was. I began to learn who I was, albeit very slowly. I found ways to interact with people that had absolutely nothing to do with bed post notches. Sex became an end result of a much larger picture or not at all. It no longer took the front seat.
I am now in my forties. What I learned in my thirties was vital to my life today, even if it took me a decade to figure out how to use that knowledge properly. Today I don't have a type, I have an understanding. My understanding comes in a package that is neither blond nor brunette, without big hair, with extra pounds and no sharp edges. My understanding frustrates me endlessly some days but is still understanding. My understanding has allowed me room to grow into who I wished I had been all along. My understanding does not fit a "type". And for her I am thankful.
Sometimes the frustration we feel, is truly our own road block discovered- what I mean by this is, that when we reach a point of frustration, it is a time to re-evaluate our boundries, or projections, our thoughts and beliefs- it is a chance to "EVOLVE" and become a better person and the only way that is possible is to be honest with ourselves to determin "why" we are frustrated. Sometimes we discover that we need to stand out ground about what ever the situation was that frustrated us, and that is self love, and self preservation. Sometimes we realize that we have imposed a rigidity that truly is sufficating our ability to change and the frustration we feel, is only due to the realization that we resent change! Change can be scary, and a real eye opener- but to embrace your frustration and get to the core of it, means to really grow and be a happier person with broader horizons!
ReplyDeleteExcellent insight Cody! Thank you so much for reading and responding.
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