I haven't spent nearly as much time writing my thoughts as I have been thinking them. With so much happening these past couple of months I must admit I run out of time in the day before I run out of things I need to accomplish. Sometimes taking the time to write feels selfish when there are so many more important things to be doing. Today, however, it is rainy and dark and nothing else seems like a better idea then sharing my thoughts.
As many of you know I recently had breast reduction surgery. The purpose of the surgery was to alleviate some of the disgust I had for my body as well as get rid of a lot of what kept me from feeling like me. I refer to it as chest surgery rather than breast reduction surgery because I feel more connected to me having a chest than I do breasts. Actually I think I have a chest with breasts, or something like that. The chest/breast confusion just mirrors the rest of the confusion I face within my gender.
The decision I made to have the surgery was never in question, the decision as to how much to remove was, and still is. A lot of people dont understand the blurred gender I live within. For most people gender is one or the other, even if they feel they are the 'wrong' one. I never fit the matronly female body I carried, but I certainly would not fit a male body either. So taking too much off would put me in just as much of an uncomfortable position as keeping what I had. My quest was to make the breasts small enough to wear male clothes yet large enough to wear female clothes. Most days I wear a little of both. Although I wish the outcome was a little smaller than they ended up (or are at this point in the recovery), I am happy with my choice.
Since I write a lot on gender identity, it is no wonder I have a large transgender following. I am a huge advocate for the transgender community and understand a lot of what they feel. However, I am not transgender. During the past couple of months as I have shared my boob journey, I have found myself feeling like I need to explain why I only took some off and not them all. I have felt the same misunderstanding about being genderqueer from the trans community as I have the gender conforming community. For once in a very long time I am experiencing the tiny place where those whittled out of the larger communities reside.
I am not a butch lesbian, I am genderqueer. I am not a transman that hasn't transitioned, I am genderqueer. I am not a man or a woman, I am both and neither. I wear boxer briefs and a bra.
This is so perfect. You are two sides of the same coin. I get this. I am transgender but I remember on my "intake interview" feeling pressured that I had to pick one gender over the other. While I am never really comfortable calling myself a man I am far more comfortable in my body. I am a boy and will likely always feel like a boy. I felt I had to pick a gender to survive because there was no way for me to be both at the same time. Pronouns still have a way of making me feel uncomfortable. I have a crafty lady and a thrifty shopper and deep down daddy's little girl is inside me too. The woman who loves women is in here but now we all share this male-looking body. The tomboy, the butch, the lumberjack and the woodsman are all much happier and overall I am a much happier person. But you my friend, are one of the truly brave ones existing as both compliments of the gender race, floating in between in a quiet space where you can choose your own name instead of reading it from a label someone else has burned upon your flesh. I adore your honesty and authenticity.
ReplyDeleteYou have no idea how much I completely relate to your words. Thank you, not just for your kindness and your fondness of my writing, but for the understanding and validation that give me the drive to keep being me.
ReplyDeleteyou and Nickie have more in common than i realized. she id's as genderqueer though not as trans...she wants elements of maleness, but she never really wants to be seen as male...in fact only when she plays. otherwise she says she couldn't bear being thought of as a guy. she gets tired of her breasts sometimes, but she wont get a reduction because they are part of her...she still gets stares in the womens room...her hair, leather jacket, boots...but then they see that she has tits and they calm down...
ReplyDeleteIts a weird place to be. Not quite stuck in the middle, but not quite on either end of the spectrum. Truly it is all encompassing on the gender line and I love it. I just wish more people understood it. I sometimes get weighed down by people assuming I want my cake and eat it too, that I should be making a choice. The only choice I want to make is embrace who I am and those that are OK with me that way.
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