Top 25 relationship "Dont's"

There is no shortage of relationship advice online.  If you want someone to tell you "it's not you, it's them", you undoubtedly will be able to find something to justify that.  If you want an article to tell you how awesome you are as a lover, friend, spouse, whatever, I am sure somewhere you can relate to someones advice.  And as much as we don't need anymore relationship experts to chime in, I am going to anyway.

My news feeds seem to be swamped with miserable people's posts about their failed relationships. The most common thread seems to be "How could they do this to me?".  Hardly ever do I see "What did I contribute to this situation that caused this to happen?".

Relationship "Do's" are easy to come by. Do this, do that, and you will be prince charming (or whatever you want to be).  "Don'ts" are a little harder to swallow, especially when we know we are guilty of them.  Taking responsibility for your part in a relationship is not always so easy.

After a considerable amount of relationships, including long term, short term, one nighters, kinky, convenience, friends with benefits, completely inappropriate etc, I have made a lot of mistakes and have had a lot of mistakes made against me. I certainly should have been held accountable for the failure of some but in all fairness, there were plenty where the accountability lied on my partner's end.

However, blame is useless and gets us nowhere. Maturity teaches us to focus on what we personally contribute rather than what someone else does or doesn't give to us.  

Relationship "Do's" only work when the "Don'ts" aren't winning.

Here is my (unsolicited) Top 25 list of "Don'ts":

1:   Don't assume your partner knows what you are thinking/feeling
2:   Don't forget what brought you to the relationship to begin with
3:   Don't take anything for granted, you aren't "owed" their love
4:   Don't stop communicating
5:   Don't forget that your actions effect others
6:   Don't let yourself go
7:   Don't stop wooing. Ever.
8:   Don't be inconsiderate
9:   Don't lie
10: Don't sugar coat
11: Don't hold in your feelings
12: Don't "spare them" information that might upset them
13: Don't treat your partner like a companion or roommate. You may just end up that way.
14: Don't stop having sex
15: Don't put your relationship last even when it seems to need the least attention
16: Don't ignore the silence
17: Don't forget to compliment
18: Don't give up
19: Don't allow others to sabotage your relationship
20: Don't forget that you are not the only one with feelings
21: Don't sacrifice who you are
22: Don't cheat
23: Don't stop being spontaneous
24: Don't assume just because you feel complete your partner does
25: Don't forget that someone else is always willing to take your place

Take responsibility. Treat it seriously. Be good to each other.

Whose body is it anyway?

Like most people, I have an issue with my body.  And like most people, telling me I should not feel that way is not going to change that.

So many people seem to miss the fact that body image isn't always about weight.

I am relatively thin.  Which somehow immediately takes all negative body image credibility from me. I am secretly banned from the self loathing water cooler conversations, since my issues shouldn't  be real issues.

When I dare to join the bash-your-body talks, I get raised eyebrows and a lot of "but you are so skinny" comments.

Sometimes I want to scream! "DON'T TELL ME HOW TO FEEL ABOUT MY BODY. WHOSE BODY IS IT ANYWAY?"

It is frustrating. But I get it.  We are so conditioned to think that fat is bad, skinny is good, and that those black and white lines define how we should see ourselves and each other. For me though, it's so much more. As with most areas of my life, I live in the grey.

My body issues are weight, shape and gender related. I could go on all day explaining how I got so delusional, what pharmacological and surgical steps I have resorted to to shut my head up, and the stresses extreme poor body image adds to a relationship. But I won't. It really doesn't matter, nor do most people care. They are too busy picking themselves apart and quietly telling me to shut up because, after all, I am so skinny.

The majority of the people I am in contact with all day have no idea that I suffer from gender identity issues, depersonalization and body dysmorphia.  No matter what mirror I look in, I will never see "me". No amount of drugs or surgery could ever make me look like I feel on the inside. And while I have grown to accept the majority of that, I still have a hard time thinking anyone else can.  I feel incomplete, wrong and judged because of it (yes, I know that is not true. It is a feeling, and I cannot help feelings).

Next month I turn 45.  My children are basically grown and my life is essentially slowing it's pace and rounding the corner to the next part of my journey.  When thinking of how to answer "what do you want for your birthday this year?" the only thought that came to mind, was "peace with myself, stillness in my head, the ability to believe your love is genuine, and the possibility of living the next years of my life free from self loathing".

Next week I have an appointment in NYC with an amazing woman who does phototherapy.  The sessions will consist of me and my partner in various stages of undress. The ultimate goal is to be able to see myself from a different perspective.  While typically this therapy is not done with two people, I wanted the intimate moments (one will be dressed while the other is not) to show us both how we see the other from our perspective as well.

This is going to be challenging for me, my partner and the photographer.  We are all wading in uncharted waters with this session. I am confident the photographer will find a way to show me someone in those photographs that is worthy. I am confident that my partner will see how much I adore her even when my defenses keep her at arms length. And I am 100% positive this is the best gift I will have ever received.

This IS my journey

It's been a long time since I have been here.  Not because I haven't had anything to say, but because I haven't known where I wanted those words to go.

For a long time I thought I wanted to write for a big publication one day. But after years of climbing the "ladder" with unfulfilled columns and being boxed in to specific categories and wording by my editors, I have found writing for someone else was truly just work.  And being paid minimally or not at all was not enough to make me want to do something that felt like work.  Like musicians being solicited to play for free for exposure I felt used and walking the wrong path.

So I took a hiatus. From writing. But not from thinking.

I have been thinking. A lot. About life, my sense of self, family, the crappy media, Trayvon Martin, the future, weird dreams, expectations, time, this country, my carb intake, my lame attempts at exercise, people less fortunate, my sick dog, solar energy, our new landscaping project, my lack of friends etc etc.  The list is long, as my mind never ever stops.

I didn't stop writing for lack of things to say. Anyone that knows me will tell you I ALWAYS have something to say. I stopped writing because I had no where to share the things that mattered to me most. No one wanted to read that. No one wanted to read the words "I" or "me".  They told me my opinions only mattered if they didn't look like my opinions.  Then I thought about this blog.  And how it paved the way to the place I am right now.  And I realized that this was the place for my thoughts, unsolicited advice, opinions and dreams. I left it to pursue what I thought was a naturally progressive journey. I was wrong.

This is how I write. This is what I need to be doing. This is what will take me where I need to go eventually. This feels right. It may not come with a paycheck, but it is lucrative in so many other ways. People can relate. It's about feeling and passion.  It's about community and knowing you are not alone.

I started my memoir a long time ago.  I was passionate about it.  It was easy to write. It is a story that I want to share and I know some people need to read.  I stopped writing that too.  In my efforts to please the editors and create pieces that showed well for the publications that brought me on board, I forgot how to sit down and let my feelings write for me. 

Today is the day I have decided to change that.
 

Fetish Love - Wind Pants Style

In my never ending pursuit of human interest stories, poking around the recesses of the Internet, I came upon a gentleman with a great love for nylon wind pants; ADIDAS wind pants to be exact.  The bulge in the front of said pants made it quite obvious that his love was about far more than the fashion statement.

While I applauded his kink, and everyone's kinks for that matter, what I found the most endearing about this little kinkster, was his partner. His partner, happily adorned a pair of ADIDAS wind pants too. And while I am not 100% certain that they didn't meet up at a wind pants kink party, my gut says she does not necessarily share his fetish. That being said, and with her wind pants on, I COULD be 100% certain that her passion for his passion was genuine and beautiful.

As with all people stories I read, I find myself taking it in, forming opinions and trying to relate. In this case, I was admittedly envious of the wind pant couple.  I loved his zeal for the nylon and was amazed at her ability to go along for his ride. His ride made her ride.

His ride made her ride.  I love the picture that conjures up in my head. The dance I love and miss so much.  The finding of yourself by giving to someone else.  A concept a select few ever deeply find.  And my wind pant friends found it and seemed to have nurtured it into something mutually satisfying.

This just goes to show that you may not have the same interests, but you can, and should, encourage each others desires whenever possible. That nurturing the relationship is vital to survival and finding common ground. It's easy to get engrossed in your own things, especially when they differ from your partner's, but it's just as easy to find some common ground if you take more time and interest in what others are doing.

Unfortunately not all interests will end up in a sexually satisfying moment like my wind pant friends, but encouraging each other and taking a genuine interest in someone elses passions might just uncover a little spark you had long since thought you had lost.

Regrets

I am no expert. No really, I'm not. However, if you had ever had an actual conversation with me, you have probably experienced my unsolicited expertise in whatever topic we are discussing.  Likely it had little impact.  I know a little about a lot of things and a lot about very few.  I have tons of unusual life experiences to draw from, but in  no way does that make me an expert.  That being said, I have been thinking a lot about regrets and how to avoid as many as possible.  So I am offering, once again, my expert advice.

I have regrets.  I am sure most of us do. Typically, or for me anyway, they seem to come from situations that ultimately make us feel guilt or remorse. The tequila night that went bad, the time you made your grandmother cry, or when you left your baby at day care by accident. It happens.  When someone asks you "Do you have any regrets", one of those types of scenarios may come up. (And no, those are not my real life examples. Except for maybe the tequila one.)

We also have the "I didn't ever......." regrets.  I should have dated that 18 year old that said they liked cougars, I should have saved more money so my cats don't eat better than I do in retirement, and the ever popular, I should have traveled the world. These aren't really regrets, these or dreams or desires you held yourself back from. (Again, not mine. I have yet to be called a cougar.....dammit.)

So making my grandma cry, denying the 18 year old lover , and never leaving the country aren't regrettable? Well yes, we can regret the behavior, or lack there of. But the feelings that come from that regret are the shame, embarrassment, guilt etc.  Regret isn't a feeling. A feeling comes as a result of regretting something. And emotions are the reason we avoid doing things that we later end up regretting.

The vicious regret cycle.

Today I was thinking of so many things I want to do. Both bucket lists; the reality bucket and the fantasy bucket.  While my fantasy bucket overflows, I am truly not interested in pursuing most of its contents.  I have made the decision that not feelings, but potential bad consequences, land things in the fantasy bucket. I have way too many things to lose and little to gain by picking out of that hat.  The reality bucket list grows as I grow, not in age, but in self. And yet, I find myself visiting that bucket just as infrequently. For that I have regret, or most assuredly will someday.

I think I will head regret off at the pass, or meet it before it finds emotion.

I will stop thinking about what happens after I choose to fulfill a want or need and just fulfill it.

Sacrifice

It has been almost a year since I posted a blog.  In this blog's beginning, I was full of zest and zeal. I wrote daily. At some point it changed to weekly. Then monthly.  The sporadically.  Eventually something caused me to hit a brick wall and fall flat on my writer's ass.  Recently I realized, it was writing that caused me to stop writing.

When I began this blog, I threw my heart and soul to the wind and my readers. In return I found personal freedom, compassion, friends and connections.  I felt that my words made a difference to me and those that read them.  I opened the passion door and found amazing things behind it.  I loved the feelings so much that I reached out to more people and places to lay my words.  Apparently I reached too far.

Somewhere between then and now, writing became work.  I was so happy to contribute to all of the online papers and magazines. I was happily blogging my personal experiences and writing for myself and those that needed to relate. I took on project after project wanting to sink my teeth into everything.  And then, one day, I realized I was working.  No longer had my writing become a release.  I was losing the passion and drive.  I had to think about what I would write instead of hurrying to get to my computer and let out the words that were overflowing in my head. I had stretched my limits. I had sacrificed myself.

Sacrificing yourself.

I have spent a considerable amount of time thinking about that lately. So much time in fact, that it has gotten my writing juices flowing and encouraged me back to this blog.

In life, we are taught, learn, or decide that we must make sacrifices for the greater good, be it relationships, those less fortunate etc.  However somewhere I think many of us lose sight of what it means to sacrifice.  For me, sacrificing means giving up something or compromising to make whatever work. Certainly it should never be a negative thing, but rather something you WANT to do. It should be a conscious decision done in the best interest of whatever your particular interest is.  Sacrificing should be about giving OF yourself, not giving UP yourself.

Many times, for me anyway, the two get confused.  In the past I have found myself agreeing to be less than who I am to pacify a situation.  I have given up parts of me that, frankly, I liked. In an effort to keep moving forward, I didn't realize I lost some important things that didn't deserve to be left behind.

So today, on my first day back here, I will leave you all with the same thought I have been pondering lately:

Sacrifice for compromise should never mean losing yourself for change.