Mechanically inclined

I was putting together a new scooter last evening. It was shipped disassembled but with assurance "it is only a matter of two bolts." Cool, no problem.

After spending 45 minutes just disassembling the steel frame it was shipped in, I noted ten separate pieces, a couple bags full of various bolts, nuts, washers, and screws, and no instructions. Hmmmmmmmm.

Now, I am a pretty mechanically inclined person. I can fix most common things on a car and I have many years as a motorcycle enthusiast to know the basic mechanics of those as well. This is why I chose not to pay for assembly. Ultimately, after thinking, sorting, thinking, sorting, I finally figured out what pieces belonged to what bolts etc. In the end I prevailed and after a couple of hours I was able to take my first trip around the block. Wheels stayed on, nothing fell off, electronics did their job. I was proud of my accomplishment.

I'm really not writing about my mechanic skills however. I wanted to write about how I felt putting that scooter together. Typically I am very self conscious about everything I do, wear, say etc. But when I am engrossed in my latest butch project, I don't feel any of that. I love the sweat, the grime, the pride in fixing something. I am not aware of my hair or how my T Shirt is laying on my big breasts. I feel very untouchable and capable of anything in those moments.

I wish I was able to understand what it was that happens during those times that enables me to remove myself from the constant self judgment I do. I would love to feel that big and strong and confident and unaware of my flaws all the time, not just then.

Maybe I am just more comfortable in a more masculine role. That maybe my self consciousness is the female in me. Perhaps my lack of fitting the societal norm for 'woman' keeps me from ever feeling comfortable. And when I am working, and dirty, and being more masculine in activity, it fits more of who I really am. I am a female that is able to problem solve and think, and a male who is physically capable of handling the task at hand. Perhaps it is in those moments that I am neither male or female, but my own gender. The one that is me.