Striped Shirt

In a reply to a post I wrote last week, a friend refereed to those not fitting the societal norm as "others". And how we, as others, rarely have the opportunity to be who we are without some political stigma attached.

Keeping emotions aside, when I am in a group, as I often am, with no other 'others', I tend to try to fit in instead of allowing myself to be who I am. I don't feel it should have to be my job to familiarize who I am to people. I dont think that throwing my diversity into their faces helps them find tolerance. I think it puts me in more of a compromising position than I was to begin with.

Why does being who I am have to be about my pride, about representing something. Why do I have to constantly fight for my position? You don't hear people greet each other normally as "Hi, I'm Bob, I'm straight. Just wanted to get that out there because you will hear about it later". However that is exactly how I feel I need to be. I come with a label and a disclaimer. "Pleased to meet you. Yes I am a lesbian. And yes I look a little gender confused. And no, you don't need to hide your wife or worry that I am undressing you with my eyes".

So most times I say nothing and feel half of my whole. It seems easier than being a freak show. Even in the most gay friendly group of straight people, someone is talking about you, even if only in their own head. I understand its intriguing to some. I understand they are trying to see what makes me tick. But honestly it is exhausting. I am so conscious of everything I say and do in a group setting in order to minimize those thoughts.

My presence is all about my sexuality. There is hardly a time when my presence is about who I am. I am my sexuality and my preference, the rest of me comes after that. And while I have absolutely no problem with people knowing who I love, I have a real problem with that being who I am to most people. "You know, the lesbian over there." Instead of "You know, Bob, the guy in the striped shirt".

No one ever sees my striped shirt.