I am Not George Bailey

We all know George Bailey, the man whose imminent suicide was sideswiped by Clarance, an angel, in order to show him that indeed his life did effect others. For even the most despondent of people, you would be had pressed to find someone that their lives haven't touched. We all touch people in one way or another. Our actions have a cause and effect like everything else. We are responsible for certain occurrences. There is no way we could exist and not leave a blueprint. However, not all of us are George Bailey. Some of us would have a very different experience if Clarance came to visit. Obviously if I had not been born, my children would not have been either. They owe their existence to my saving mine as a teen. However, aside from that, I think Clarance might have a bit of a struggle convincing me my lack of existence would have diminished many people's experiences.

For a very long time I have been the scapegoat for many other people's unwillingness to accept responsibility for their own actions. Somehow my existence has been the reason for others misfortune's. And while I know, in reality, their issues are what cause their accusations, it is exhausting to constantly pretend the blame doesn't effect me. From the time I was a young child I was the scapegoat for everything my mother hated about herself. Everything from my bed wetting to my childhood rape was somehow my fault and a way to make her look bad. When I came out in high school, I was to blame for the shame my family name would now have to carry. As an addict I was to blame for my addiction and the shame that too caused the family. As a pregnant homeless young woman I was to blame for my circumstance, not the parent that evicted from their rental property so they could live in it when their home was condemned for lack of care. As an adult I am still being blamed. Blamed by others who feel my existence is keeping them from benefiting. That my relationship has hindered their ability to have a healthy life. That somehow I have been the sole reason they have been unable to achieve happiness.

I have learned that there will always be people that will try to sabotage your happiness because they cant seem to find their own. And I have learned that these are not real blames to carry on my shoulder, and yet, some days I find them there. They are coupled with sadness for those that need to drag me through the mud to feel better. But no matter how I rationalize, they are still heavy.

Today I seriously thought about George Bailey and all the horrible things that would have happened if he hadn't been there. I didn't feel like George. I felt that so many people would have "been much better off" without me causing such pain to them. That Clarance would have showed me a bunch of narcissistic people finding their way much easier without me as their roadblock. And as much as I know someone else would have been their target, for just a moment, nonexistence seemed a much lighter load to carry.

The Elderly Couple

While sitting in the "waiting room" waiting for my chest xray, I took the opportunity to people watch. Oftentimes I try to imagine what people's lives are like. I think about what their house looks like, where they work, if they even work, what might be on their meal plan for dinner that evening. I wouldn't say I am judgmental, just curious.

An elderly couple came in just as I sat down to do my waiting. The man was pushing the woman in a walker/chair type device. She was facing him in the seat. It looked awkward, but it got the job done I suppose. I watched them intently. She was obviously a victim of some sort of terrible osteoporosis or rheumatoid arthritis. They both had to be in their 80's. After settling the chair/walker in a place as to not be in the way, the elderly gentleman took off his hat and gloves. He placed the gloves in his pocket. He proceeded to stand in front of his wife and help her remove her gloves. With no words being said, she grabbed hold of the walker and stood up so her husband could put her gloves in her pocket. He then proceeded to remove her hat, scarf and coat like they had done this a million times, and probably had. When she was settled back in her chair, the man took off his glasses and tucked them in his shirt pocket. In that same pocket was a pack of tissues. He took one tissue out, proceeded to fold it gingerly and used it to wipe his wife's nose. It was at this point that I was very moved. I looked at others watching them. I could tell by their faces most of them were simply thinking, "damn, glad that's not me." I could not help but think, "Damn I hope that is me". Maybe not today, but when that time comes I want to know I have someone that cares for me in all respects or that I can care for them; to believe that the commitment I make now will carry through to those fragilest of times.

I began to recall what I used to think I needed and wanted in a partner. Its amazing how differently I think now to even just ten years ago. The things that seemed so important in a relationship replaced by what truly is important. As I watched that elderly couple I tried to picture what their life used to be, dinners, dancing, raising children, and what it consists of today. I am sure he dresses and undresses her daily. Most likely he feeds her and baths her. They probably cant share a bed anymore. I imagine he tends to everything in the house and everything relating to her care. I saw no resentment in his eyes. When he looked at her he seemed so proud to be with her, to do for her, to love her.

That, to me, is what its all about.

Virtual Friends to Die For

Recently Simone Back committed suicide. Her last correspondence with people was a status update on Facebook,"Took all my pills be dead soon so bye bye everyone.” Her death is yet another senseless tragedy for the LGBT community. The way in which it unfolded made me question what social media is doing to the world.

None of her "friends" did anything to save her. No one made a phone call to the police or a relative. Instead numerous comments followed and opened up discussions and banter back and forth between the very people Simone had come to believe were her friends.

Most things you read regarding Simone seem to center on the fact that no one took responsibility for her death. Personally, as sad as the story is, I have to question where the liability lies, or if there even is any. Morally you would think that even if you did not truly know someone you would at least consider reaching out to someone if you were to read her final statement. However morals are not necessarily grounds for liability.

Most of us have social media friends that we have no idea who they are. Some of us have gained them through networking, friends in common, and due to similar interest groups etc. Others are simply collectors. Simone was painted out to be a collector. This was a woman with obvious issues. I don't know anything about her, only what I have read and I don't dare speculate. However one that commits suicide is not without issues. She had a great number of friends on Facebook yet very little seemed to know who she was personally. Whatever her reason for feeling the need to have so many online friendships, it doesn't mean that those she "friended" have a legal obligation to save her from herself. I cannot imagine ignoring her pleas myself, but I am not everyone else.

I do find it eerily strange that no one reached out to Facebook or the authorities. Even in the group of those engaging in the "she is faking" commentary you would think at least one person would have had a moment of morality. As twisted as her virtual friendships showed to be, I am not sure they are to blame for help not arriving. I have read the Facebook bashing as well. Distraught people feeling Facebook should have a better handle on its community's safety. I think they would only carry blame if someone had reported it to them and they ignored it. It's a free networking site, not a babysitter.

For fear of being seen as heartless, let me say I feel horrible for what happened to Simone and to her mother who was finally notified via a text message sixty hours after the fact telling her she should check on Simone. I feel terrible for the sad place Simone was in, for her feeling so connected to her virtual community that her last cry for help was to them. I feel sick that none of those virtual relationships were strong enough to care, even though I am sure she was counting on one to be.

In this day and age we need to step back and analyze where we are dedicating our time and efforts. While its nice to have access to people we would never have the opportunity to cross paths with otherwise, we need to stay in reality. We need to nurture real friends and relationships. We need to understand the magnitude of what will and what won't happen if your life is consumed only with your friends who live on your screen

Dionum

So my editor says to me, "I have trouble thinking of ways to depict your stuff with graphics." To which I replied "I have trouble thinking of ways to depict myself all the time!" Which is the whole purpose for writing about genderqueer issues in the first place. It's so difficult to explain being something other than what people know. When in conversation with someone unfamiliar with the term genderqueer, attempting to explain your gender or lack there of is akin to explaining life forms on other planets. Trying to get people to think outside that box is a challenge. It was challenge enough for me to understand it. For example,say you are speaking of temperature. You might refer to hold, cold, or something in between, maybe warm. Most of us can relate to that and comprehend it. Now try to explain something other than hot, cold or a combination. It doesn't exist in our vocabulary. You can make up a word, say, dionum, but that doesn't explain anything. Its is just a word. There are days when I can explain myself as hot, cold, or warm, but most days I am dionum. A word for something that just 'is', something different than what we know. I consider myself my own gender. I identify as both female and male and have the physical 'goodies' of a woman, but I use those terms because those are the ones I know, the ones we all know. But they don't really fit. I am OK with being a dionum, but I am not OK with being a dionum and being called a confused hot or cold, or maybe I am just a warm and don't know it. I embrace my genderqueerness. It fits me, it fits my wife, thats all that truly matters. But I will continue to try to explain to people that a marvelous world exits outside of what we concretely know, we just need to be open enough to recognize dionum when we see it.

Nature Vs. Nurture

I have been thinking a lot lately about certain relationships and their negative impact on life. Some days I am confident enough to tell myself there is no room for negative people or feelings, that life is just too short. Other days I find myself obsessed with "fixing" what's wrong. Its makes me wonder if we, as people, are even strong enough to walk away when we know things in our lives are toxic. It seems senseless to continue to try to correct something you have no control over. Toxic relationships are everywhere, we all have them. People we want to love that have no idea how to love us back. We waste precious time and resources trying to change ourselves to fit into the poison situation. Many times we are perfectly content to accept blame when it isn't even warranted, if it can make things the least bit better. Why do we nurture what is so blatantly bad for us? Is it nature or instinct to attempt to survive the experience? Are we that afraid of loss and loneliness that we allow the toxins to control who we really are? Perhaps we are too afraid of the unknown to risk it.

I understand completely when emotions, or fear of them, get in the way of rationale. What I haven't been able to understand is when people expend all their energy on what doesn't work and so little on what does. By allowing nature to dictate your nurturing, the relationships that need the most work, the ones that are the most poisonous, always seem to get the most attention. The things that are good in your life should be celebrated and stroked. Ignoring what doesn't need so much work sends a very negative message. Its says, you are not worthy of my time and attention.

I remember as a child I had a special needs cousin whose older sister was often times ignored because she needed less care. Unfortunately less physical care didn't mean she needed less emotional care. I recall feeling very sorry for her. She was a straight A student, always kept her room immaculate, excelled in dance school and was very giving. However, no one seemed to notice her. She was a very capable young girl and people interpreted that as her having little need. It was very sad to always see this girl, full of heart, getting so little in return. To this day I always try to make sure I nurture all things in my life that are good to me, not just the ones that yell the loudest for attention.

We have a responsibility to all people that touch us. Its the amount of responsibility we take on that we must decide. To what extent do we use our time, energy and resources on relationships that will never heal, are unhealthy or toxic? How much should we take from those that are deserving to try to fix those that may not be? How do we find the strength to walk away from what we know is poison and feed that which is not? Balance is essential in all things. Nature dictates our instincts, our hearts and souls dictate how much we nurture those instincts.