I am Not George Bailey

We all know George Bailey, the man whose imminent suicide was sideswiped by Clarance, an angel, in order to show him that indeed his life did effect others. For even the most despondent of people, you would be had pressed to find someone that their lives haven't touched. We all touch people in one way or another. Our actions have a cause and effect like everything else. We are responsible for certain occurrences. There is no way we could exist and not leave a blueprint. However, not all of us are George Bailey. Some of us would have a very different experience if Clarance came to visit. Obviously if I had not been born, my children would not have been either. They owe their existence to my saving mine as a teen. However, aside from that, I think Clarance might have a bit of a struggle convincing me my lack of existence would have diminished many people's experiences.

For a very long time I have been the scapegoat for many other people's unwillingness to accept responsibility for their own actions. Somehow my existence has been the reason for others misfortune's. And while I know, in reality, their issues are what cause their accusations, it is exhausting to constantly pretend the blame doesn't effect me. From the time I was a young child I was the scapegoat for everything my mother hated about herself. Everything from my bed wetting to my childhood rape was somehow my fault and a way to make her look bad. When I came out in high school, I was to blame for the shame my family name would now have to carry. As an addict I was to blame for my addiction and the shame that too caused the family. As a pregnant homeless young woman I was to blame for my circumstance, not the parent that evicted from their rental property so they could live in it when their home was condemned for lack of care. As an adult I am still being blamed. Blamed by others who feel my existence is keeping them from benefiting. That my relationship has hindered their ability to have a healthy life. That somehow I have been the sole reason they have been unable to achieve happiness.

I have learned that there will always be people that will try to sabotage your happiness because they cant seem to find their own. And I have learned that these are not real blames to carry on my shoulder, and yet, some days I find them there. They are coupled with sadness for those that need to drag me through the mud to feel better. But no matter how I rationalize, they are still heavy.

Today I seriously thought about George Bailey and all the horrible things that would have happened if he hadn't been there. I didn't feel like George. I felt that so many people would have "been much better off" without me causing such pain to them. That Clarance would have showed me a bunch of narcissistic people finding their way much easier without me as their roadblock. And as much as I know someone else would have been their target, for just a moment, nonexistence seemed a much lighter load to carry.