Black Sheep Holidays

The holidays afford us a great opportunity to spend time with friends and family. For some of us it also affords us the possibility to pull our hair out in frustration. Family gatherings can be especially difficult for the black sheep of the family. Even if you are accepted by your parents or siblings, inevitably you will find yourself in the company of someone who doesn't 'know' you. Bringing a partner to the occasion adds more eggshell walking moments to the mix.

In a perfect world we would be able to stand by our convictions and not care who thought what of us. But in reality it does matter, at least deep down. Nothing is more unsettling then knowing some twice removed family member is staring at you and sizing you up. You can feel it in the air and see it out of the corner of your eye. Nothing says happy holidays like whispers and distorted faces. You know darn well they are intrigued even if they are disgusted, and are assuredly attempting to picture your most intimate moments in their head.

For most of my life my partners have been introduced, by my own family, as my friend or roommate, the ultimate act of their shame. The lack of acknowledgment is very painful, especially when you know your relationship trumps the majority of the ones in the room. In order to save face or not have to explain me, my family can single handedly belittle all that is good in my life. The moment screams of their embarrassment and inability to think not everyone shares their feelings. Self protecting becomes very selfish.

Sitting on the couch, making sure not to accidentally show any public signs of affection for someone I have been with for almost 15 years is difficult to say the least. People's lack of acceptance has driven me to the point where I attempt to avoid their embarrassment of me. I go out of my way to not be who I am. Their selfishness has conditioned me to fear myself.

Holidays are a great way to spend time with loved ones. For me, its a great way to wish I was back home.

Amends

Recently I have felt the need to make amends for things I did to people long ago. I am not talking about the rock throwing, name calling nonsense as a child, I am talking about things that have emotionally impacted people. I don't consider myself a selfish person, however I do consider myself a master at avoiding my own emotional trauma. I can flick the "I don't feel anything" switch at a moments notice if I need the protection. That ability has caused many friendships and relationships to fail in unnatural ways.

Being the emotional basket-case I am, I have always ran when things got the least bit uncomfortable. I never learned the art of discussion, working things out, or even debate. So in my attempt to avoid things, I have ultimately left others hanging, wondering what the hell just happened. It may have taken me a very long time, some over 20 years, to realize how devastating my quick departures were. And for that I am truly sorry.

And though in the end we all find our way, and realize if those departures hadn't taken place we wouldn't be where we are now, I feel I owe some people a lot of gratitude. Gratitude for what they gave to me. Gratitude for what I have learned from them, not just then, but apparently now. Allowing myself to look back I don't see just failed relationships. I see people that taught me how to love and what family really meant. I see people that appreciated me and ones that showed me hard lessons learned. What I don't see are the feelings that made me run, and I think thats a great thing.

So as I make my amends, even the silent ones, I am grateful for those that loved me long ago; they have enabled me to be able to stick around with those that love me today.

Gay Soldier

You said I didn't matter

That I was just a gay

You made me fight for rights

That you had every day

You chanted hate on corners

Held signs up of disgust

You've protested my marriage

And other things unjust

You've said I can't compare

To what a man should be

I shouldn't be allowed to fight

To keep our country free

I hid my sexuality

To serve my fellow man

I slept by you and shared your food

And lied the best I can

You never knew my partner

Until that faithful day

When you looked at my photograph

And found out I was gay

Your haste to leave the trenches

So you would not be near

Your impulsive reaction

Certainly cost you dear

The shots rang out in unison

Your body on the ground

An instant change in thinking

A moment quite profound

Staring up into my eyes

I wait for what you'll say

Will you save my life today?

I can't, I'm just a gay

And for that very moment

I felt justified

But reached out to my brother

And held him as he died.

~EB 2010

My Hiatus

Although I have attempted to take a mental hiatus from my blog and writing in general, the need to write has been too overwhelming to stay away. My decisions to retreat are the same ones that have brought me back, overwhelming emotions.

It was difficult at best to drum up two articles and send them off to the editors today, even though I was very passionate about my topics. Something is boiling deep inside, something I am not quite sure of its identity. My emotional roller coaster of late has had me reflecting all over the place. I am finding myself experiencing the most extreme of emotions. And while some are terribly sad in nature, I am truly enjoying the levels in which I am able to feel right now. For me negative feelings aren't always just negative. They evoke passion in me, and passion is what fuels me.

So in my uncontrollable emotional state, I have taken many recent journeys down memory lane. I do this often. Not to remember better times, or those I lost, but to see where I have grown from the experience. It may seem a tad masochistic to relive painful memories, but for me the sadness enables me to appreciate all that is good in my life. And for as many things as I can still find wounds, I can find what's healing them.

The holidays are especially difficult for me. They bring back many haunting memories. But I allow them in. I allow myself to feel them and to realize that I can feel them from a much safer place now. And I am grateful. This time of year is supposed to be about giving and loving and appreciating what you have. It may have taken the majority of my life to finally get to a place where I am grateful for more things than I am burdened. But I am there.

Thanks to all that have supported, encouraged or loved me through my writing endeavors and personal growth this year. May your holidays find you safe and nurtured in the best possible ways.

~EB

Dual Gender Hairdo

About 10 years ago I had hair well down to the middle of my back. Some time a few years later I felt I needed short hair. I have had short hair ever since. I like my short hair, except when I feel I want long hair. Being gender fluid makes having a hair style very difficult. No matter what my hair is like, I will see people or old photos of the complete opposite and want that. However, like most things that have to do with me, I will not ever feel satisfied with one or the other. When I wear my hair short it feels more masculine to me. So when I am feeling feminine it doesn't seem to work. I am simply not 'sexy' enough to have short hair look 'hot'. It just looks dyke'y some days. However, when its longer, I feel like I am conforming to the physical body given to me, and thats not who I am either.

I wrestle with my hair on a daily basis. I want it to fit what I look like but want it to fit who I am. I have no idea how to do that. I obsess about it all day. Each time my internal dynamics change, I would love a telephone booth to run into and change the outfit and hair to match the moment. Instead I am usually left being someone I dont look like and unable to express myself honestly. I spent many years lying to people trying to be something I'm not, and now I am lying to people because I cant show them who I actually am.

In the late 80's my hair was probably the most suited for who I was, even though I didn't know who I was. As a matter of fact I didn't even know I liked that hair cut. It was short and cropped on one side and long and curly on the other. Pulling only one side of your hair back was typical for that era, cropping it was not that much of a stretch. But it was the best of both worlds in a hair cut. As funny as that style may seem today, I bet it would still suit me well. I'm not sure I can pull off the dual gender hairdo at my age, but I think I might give it a try.