Amends

Recently I have felt the need to make amends for things I did to people long ago. I am not talking about the rock throwing, name calling nonsense as a child, I am talking about things that have emotionally impacted people. I don't consider myself a selfish person, however I do consider myself a master at avoiding my own emotional trauma. I can flick the "I don't feel anything" switch at a moments notice if I need the protection. That ability has caused many friendships and relationships to fail in unnatural ways.

Being the emotional basket-case I am, I have always ran when things got the least bit uncomfortable. I never learned the art of discussion, working things out, or even debate. So in my attempt to avoid things, I have ultimately left others hanging, wondering what the hell just happened. It may have taken me a very long time, some over 20 years, to realize how devastating my quick departures were. And for that I am truly sorry.

And though in the end we all find our way, and realize if those departures hadn't taken place we wouldn't be where we are now, I feel I owe some people a lot of gratitude. Gratitude for what they gave to me. Gratitude for what I have learned from them, not just then, but apparently now. Allowing myself to look back I don't see just failed relationships. I see people that taught me how to love and what family really meant. I see people that appreciated me and ones that showed me hard lessons learned. What I don't see are the feelings that made me run, and I think thats a great thing.

So as I make my amends, even the silent ones, I am grateful for those that loved me long ago; they have enabled me to be able to stick around with those that love me today.