About 10 years ago I had hair well down to the middle of my back. Some time a few years later I felt I needed short hair. I have had short hair ever since. I like my short hair, except when I feel I want long hair. Being gender fluid makes having a hair style very difficult. No matter what my hair is like, I will see people or old photos of the complete opposite and want that. However, like most things that have to do with me, I will not ever feel satisfied with one or the other. When I wear my hair short it feels more masculine to me. So when I am feeling feminine it doesn't seem to work. I am simply not 'sexy' enough to have short hair look 'hot'. It just looks dyke'y some days. However, when its longer, I feel like I am conforming to the physical body given to me, and thats not who I am either.
I wrestle with my hair on a daily basis. I want it to fit what I look like but want it to fit who I am. I have no idea how to do that. I obsess about it all day. Each time my internal dynamics change, I would love a telephone booth to run into and change the outfit and hair to match the moment. Instead I am usually left being someone I dont look like and unable to express myself honestly. I spent many years lying to people trying to be something I'm not, and now I am lying to people because I cant show them who I actually am.
In the late 80's my hair was probably the most suited for who I was, even though I didn't know who I was. As a matter of fact I didn't even know I liked that hair cut. It was short and cropped on one side and long and curly on the other. Pulling only one side of your hair back was typical for that era, cropping it was not that much of a stretch. But it was the best of both worlds in a hair cut. As funny as that style may seem today, I bet it would still suit me well. I'm not sure I can pull off the dual gender hairdo at my age, but I think I might give it a try.
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