Mornings

I truly hate mornings. Aside from not wanting to wake from my last dream of the night, I cant stand the way my head spins.

I start with my shower. That in itself is horrifying. I don't like what I am feeling and I don't like what I see. There is not one day that goes by where I wash my breasts and don't wish for them to become diseased and fall off. I have often thought of mutilating them to the point that removing them would be the only medical option. I throw my robe on as quickly as possible.

I choose my clothes in my mind before I fall asleep the night before. If I don't have a plan in place for the morning, my frustration levels are immense. There are no clothes in this world that fit my body the way I wish they did. What I want to wear doesn't come in my shape. Period. If I left my clothing choices until the morning, I would try on everything I owned and never be satisfied, not to mention very late. Having OCD I have to have routines in place. If I make a plan, I cannot deviate from it without a lot of stress. I have found choosing my clothes mentally before bed prevents me from being able to change my mind easily in the morning.

Some mornings I feel good as soon as I am dressed. I look in the mirror and although I am not pleased with what I see, I am not completely disgusted. As long as I stand still I don't notice my flaws as much. However, by the time I go from my bedroom to the bathroom that all seems to change. And by the time I finish doing my hair, I am utterly disgusted with myself. I look fat, my boobs are gross, my clothes don't fit who I am, and my illness has caused me to have thin uncooperative hair. I used to just focus on my eyes. They were always awesome. People everywhere would tell me. However now even my eyes look sad and unappealing. My lashes have thinned and my eyes seem dull.

By the time I leave the house I feel completely out of sorts. My mind has switched genders so many times my clothes couldn't work if they wanted to. My body, at 130 pounds feels grossly heavy and awkward to drag around. My sneakers are dirty and that is unacceptable. I look around the house at all that needs to be done. I am overwhelmed. I wish I had some energy. I wish I had something positive happening in my life right now. I wish I could just go back to my dream.