Both ends of the spectrum

I went to see Trans Siberian Orchestra last night. I had wanted to see them live for a very long time. Not just because I thought it would be a good show, but because I wanted to 'feel' it. The music they play is such a representation of who I am; two ends of the spectrum coming together to form something there are no words to describe.

I knew I would have a difficult time with the fact that it was their winter show and they would be playing Christmas songs. Christmas songs have a tenancy to depress me. They bring me back to a time in my life that I don't particularly wish to relive. I knew hearing these songs would make me feel sad and hollow and very small. On the other hand I knew they would be incorporating very intense guitar chords in heavy metal ballad form. Raw energy with the ability to touch me at my core. This type of music speaks to my powerful, confident, primal side. The marriage of the two was what I wanted to experience, what I wanted to relate to.

I was not disappointed in my quest. In two and a half hours I felt more emotion than I allow myself to most days in their entirety. I took the sad, let it mingle with the intense and found a really awesome middle ground; something I don't find in many places in my life. I tried to express this to my wife, but believe it or not, unless I write, I cannot speak. Too many years of who I am and what I have to say being misinterpreted or dismissed has made me very apprehensive to let words out face to face.

When I look inside myself I see a constant battle. A battle between genders and dynamics. I am constantly switching my roles, my feelings, my demeanor. I am always making decisions on where I fit at that moment. I am never 'just me'. I don't expect anyone to truly understand what I felt last night. I wish I could give you all a way to feel it. It wasn't about the music, as awesome as it was. It was about finding comfort in all my energy all at the same time. It was about not having to just feel one way and then the other. It was about feeling everything all at once.