Where is the humility?

We all enter into relationships because we need something. Maybe we need companionship. Maybe we need to feel loved. Most often, its a combination of reasons. For me, its because I need the way I am needed. It took me a long time to realize that is what I was ultimately looking for, and probably walked away from a couple of times already. My perception of experience told me that doing things for someone was a sign of weakness. That by doing so you were agreeing to boot wiping on your back.

I walk around a little jaded by past relationships. The relationships we all have experienced at one point or another. The ones where you give everything you have and get nothing in return. There is one specifically that stands out in my mind. One that has unfortunately effected my trust with each relationship after. It was the one in which I let all of my defenses down, allowed myself to admit my neediness and did, did, did for her. That was the one that took advantage, cheated, and left me stranded. A time in my life that I cannot remember the actual pain of, but still see the scars.

Its so easy for people to tell you to get over things. To move on, that everyone is not THAT one. And rationally it makes sense. However when our defense mechanisms kick in, we find ourselves protecting ourselves too much. In the twenty something years since then, my defenses are still trying to protect me from her. Unfortunately she isn't the one in the picture anymore. They are now protecting me from something that doesn't exist. And while I appreciate the armor, I do not appreciate always feeling that I need to be ready to battle.

I can site a lot of moments in my day where instinct tells me to do something, something that may put me in a vulnerable position, but I resist. Afraid of ever looking weak, I don't do and say so many things that probably would enhance my current relationship. In an attempt to be the rock at all times, I am short changing myself the feelings that come with moments of humbling myself. I am not allowing my partner to experience me in my entirety. At this point, so many years later, I do not think it is genuine fear as much as it is a pattern of behavior engraved in my brain.

Why does it seem so easy to incorporate defense behaviors into our lives and so difficult to find the humility?