Dreams

I don't normally try to analyze my dreams. Between the medications I take, stress, and being all over the board in personality and thoughts, I usually assume they are pretty much an extension of my normal chaos.

Lately my dreams have been odd, even for me. I know emotionally I am a bit of a mess right now, and perhaps it is playing out in my sleep. That being said, I am finding it strangely peculiar the vulnerable positions I am allowing myself to find in my latest dreams. If you ask most people they will tell you I am loud, brassy, confident and a bit obnoxious. They will say I am witty, quick to the punch and an open book. They may say I am a little too bold, bossy and sometimes someone to be afraid of. Seldom do they say I am timid, small, quiet, and shy. Never will you hear them say I cant hold my own, that I will back out of a confrontation or admit defeat. You will never hear those words. Unless its from someone who knows me.

I am truly all of those things, the big and the small. However I am most comfortable when showing my peacock feathers. Its safer. I spend the majority of my time in this role with most people. It enables me to keep distance. It keeps vulnerability out of the equation.

The last few days I have felt emotionally defeated. I have been unable to stand up to myself. So I suppose its no wonder that my dreams are taking me to places unfamiliar and what should seem uncomfortable. While the situations in my dream are not typical, the feelings are. They are honest. Certainly more honest than I give away when I am awake. I woke up this morning after an interesting dream and found myself feeling very vulnerable and needy. It's a place I have truly only allowed myself to feel a couple of times honestly. I was surprised by the dynamics but quite comfortable with them.

I know my dreams are not my reality. I know they are not a prediction of the future or even a memory of the past. I know they are simply my thoughts and feelings grouped together into a vivid creation. But they are true. And honest. And sometimes I like how they feel. And maybe I need to take a lesson from them and allow myself to feel and be what dynamics dictate and not what I try to.