Looking Back

This weekend I wrote another chapter for my book. I started questioning how far into my life I am going to take this. Typically a memoir spans a certain time period or focuses on a series of events. It should essentially have a story to it, a purpose, an explanation if you will for who you are and why. I am finding if difficult to place more importance on one part of my life over another. My childhood and my adolescence, the two areas I am covering, are so drastically different but blend together to create who I am now. Each has a significant impact and each equally noteworthy. Until I wrote these pages, I had no idea the impact these times in my life had on me. When asked, I would have said my younger years had little mark on the person I am today. But in actuality, it has everything to do with it.

Many people blame their past negative experiences for their self destructive patterns and behaviors. Professional victims I call them. I have always been so determined to overcome my past that I essentially went completely opposite with my thinking. I have never blamed my disturbed mother, the pedophiles in my life, bad parenting or cruel friends for anything I did or thought as an adult. I made a vow to myself to be a rock, to never give in to my sadness or fears. And while I never played the victim, how I handled it very well may have been worse.

Looking back on my life I can see where the need to stand strong overshadowed allowing myself to feel. In an attempt to feel no pain or anger, I essentially felt nothing. Keeping secrets and shame to myself kept me from my freedom to love properly. I walked with my head held high, untouchable by those that could hurt me. However I was untouchable by those that could love me too.

In reading my old journals and reflecting on my past there is a lot I had forgotten. Selective memory has always served me well, or so I thought. In having to relive these moments lost in time, I feel empty for the opportunities missed. As an adult I can see where sharing, being honest, and allowing myself the vulnerabilities all this time very well could have changed who I ultimately ended up being.

Don't get me wrong, I am in a good place now. However I probably could have gotten here a whole lot sooner if I would have allowed myself to feel.