Validation

I like validation. I need validation. I know its a character flaw, but honesty is not. So, yes, I admit, I need to know that I am wanted, needed, useful, appreciated, and hopefully someone certain people feel they cannot live without. But sometimes the need for validation holds me back from doing or saying things that might not warrant such validation. Validation comes in a lot of forms. For me, I prefer the non verbal type, particularly in bed.

I have always read that you should talk to your partner during intimate times, that you should say what you like, what you don't, what you want and where. And while I agree that communication can be very helpful in finding a really nice intimate connection, I find holding conversation during sex a kill joy, unless of course the conversation is raw in nature. I am very aware of how my actions effect my partner in bed. I pay attention. I use all of senses to make sure that I am finding that connection not just having sex. Part of my lovemaking stems from my self esteem issues and my need to make sure I dont do something they wont like. Another part is my constant drive to do things 100% all the time. If my mother only knew her warped desire to have all things perfect shaped my love making skills.

Validation for me in an intimate setting comes in the form of moans, whimpers, lubrication and orgasms. It appears in body language, new experiences and returning to old favorites. There are a lot of clues that I look for and use to create a better experience. If my partner is not enjoying themselves I have failed. As a matter of fact for most of my life I didn't even enjoy being touched. I placed all my value on what I could do for someone else, how I made them feel. Their pleasure was my validation, and secretly it still is the most important thing in that moment to me. However I have learned to allow myself the pleasure derived from being touched, even if most times I still feel as though it being done out of obligation.

Occasionally my wife does something while we are intimate that I have never said I truly love. I have never told her that when she does that, when she reacts to me like that, it validates me like nothing else right then. I don't tell her because I am afraid she will do it just because she thinks I like it. I don't ever want her to do something just because she knows I like it. I want it to happen because she feels me and she is reacting to me.

Last night as I was cooking dinner I replayed a moment in my mind. I remembered the last time she reacted in that way and I remembered how I felt. I wanted to turn to her and say "I really really really love it when you.......", I wanted to share what I was thinking and how it made me feel, but I didn't. I didn't dare risk the possibility that next time the validation occurred it wouldn't be honest.