Newlywed Game

I glanced at the television as I walked by the other day and noticed the Newlywed Game was on. I often like to answer the question silently in my head and even throw them out aloud to my better half to see how she would answer them. One particular question I couldn't seem to find an answer to was "what about your partner would you like smaller, and what would you like larger?" The physical answers the contestants came up with primarily pertained to "boobs". The non physical ones were also fairly non specific "smaller mess, smaller anger" basically anything that wouldn't result in a war back in the hotel room after the show.

Typically I would have turned to my wife and asked her to answer the questions. I did not however. The realization that I would learn that she wasn't happy with parts of me was more than I could handle. I took a quick inventory of my body parts and wondered what she would pick. Most likely, had I asked the question, she would have chosen her answers carefully and diplomatically knowing my sensitivities. For that I love her. But truth be told, I wouldn't have believed they were the honest answers. My inventory included everything that doesn't seem to fit proportionately. I think about the curvy, fit women I am not. I think about the androgynous genderless person I feel but again, am not. I think about the masculine dyke, again, no. I don't fit anything, and surely she sees that. She may not love me less, but she has to recognize all the parts don't fit the package. A bag of mixed parts. She must have a preference, and I am probably not it.

I took a minute to think, if I asked for her answers, she might reciprocate and ask me for mine. What would I answer? My inventory taking turned to her body. I came up blank. I wouldn't want anything bigger. She is already taller than me and bigger than me. Some days I hate that I am so small. I thought about what I would want smaller. She is a big girl. But would I want her smaller? I really don't care. I want her to be however she is comfortable being. So no, I wouldn't want her smaller if she didn't want herself smaller. I pictured all the parts of her bigger and smaller, morphing her in my mind. No picture made me want or love her any more or differently than I do now.

I wonder why it is so difficult to believe someone else could feel that way about me?