I am learning

I was thinking about how many opportunities we miss in life due to fear and expectation. I was brought up to put others first. I know it was probably not the most sound advice, but not much of what was instilled in me was. I had a mother who constantly reminded me that I should never seek out happiness. That if I was deserving, it should come to me. If things that I felt I needed didn't miraculously appear, I was not worthy of them. And that putting myself first was selfish. She always told me that if I had to ask for something emotionally I would never get it honestly. I believed that saying I needed something, asking for help, or admitting I was hurt would only make people pacify me, that I was getting those things falsely; there was nothing genuine in receiving what you had to ask for. She made me believe that if people cared for me and loved me they would know what I needed. And if they didn't know, I was unworthy of having it.

As an adult I can rationalize the absurdity in those teachings. I can tell myself I am worthy, and that no one else can possibly know what I need. I am able to understand the concept that asking for something emotionally does not make you weak. I even understand that people need to put themselves first in order to be able to be there for others. I get it. I just don't know how to do any of it.

For a lot of different reasons, some of us consistently put the needs of others before ourselves. I do it because I was taught that my needs didn't matter. For others it may be entirely different. Whatever the reason, when you put other people before your own well being, mentally or physically, you run the risk of losing who you truly are. You pass up opportunities that may have shaped you and your life into something completely different than it is now. If you put off doing something you need to do for yourself because someone else depends on who you are the way you are, ultimately you have cheated yourself.

I am slowly teaching myself this lesson. I am attempting to do what I need to mentally for me, and not worry so much about how it effects others. I am trying to undo forty years of thinking that what I need doesn't matter and that if I deserved to feel good I already would. I want to feel worthy and a priority, if to no one else, then to myself. I am learning.

"How come they dont have a gay boy's section?"

I was walking through the clothing section of a major retailer last night with my 13 year old daughter. We were looking for socks that were long enough to go up over her knees. She likes to wear them for protection when sliding in softball. We started at the ladies section, then traveled to the boy's section. After realizing boys don't typically wear knee socks,and heading to the girls section, my kid said to me "how come they don't have a gay boy's section?" To which I replied, "why would they?" I suggested that if a boy wanted to wear something girly he could always go to the girls section and vice versa. She seemed unimpressed with my thought process and I was glad. While I agreed with her a million percent that additional choices in this world are needed, I am a firm believer in our children making their own assessments about the world, not just taking on their parent's.

"I think they need to have another section for those people that don't like just girls or boy's clothes, but something more in between".

I smiled proudly to myself, nodded my head and said "I would shop there for sure."

Gut Instincts

Yesterday my life may have ultimately been saved by my gut. Long story short, I allowed an eighteen wheeler to move in front of me rather than make him wait until I passed him. As soon as I did, I felt completely panicked and knew I 'had' to change lanes. I was so panic stricken that I actually cut another car off in order to get out from behind the truck. The very second I crossed into the new lane, the truck's tire and part of his wheel flew off and was sent flying 70 miles an hour directly behind him where I had been just one second before. I cannot explain how I knew to leave that lane at that moment, but this was not an isolated incident.

I have been 'feeling' things before they happen all of my life. Sometimes it comes to me in words, sometimes in pictures and sometimes in emotion. So far I have been unable to tap into the gift of my sixth sense and use it as I want to, but I get a chuckle every time it happens. Yesterday I was very thankful for it. This morning I started to think about the things our gut tells us and how true it is that you should trust what it says. I trusted my gut yesterday because the panic felt raw and I acted on instinct. That was a good move. However, I have had many situations where my gut told me to do something and I took too long to listen.

We all have our doubts in certain situations. Sometimes our own insecurities lead us to question the actions of others. Many times when our gut speaks to us, we question its validity, especially when it presents a potential uncomfortable outcome. And just as many times we allow our fears to manifest as gut feelings and believe them. As humans we are programmed to take the path of least resistance. Our gut instinct has not followed the same evolutionary path. Our gut instinct is still very much that, instinct. I do not believe it is influenced by our conscious wants and needs. However I think our wants and needs influence how we perceive that moment of instinct and how we allow it to effect us.

Trust your gut. But only in that instant. Insecurities are not instinct.

Well written, sound advice: Sex education

(reprinted with permission)

Letter To My Son: The Birds & Bees Letter
By Jo LeGall

"Got notice that your health class will be on the 19th so I'm writing this now and mailing it later. Not sure I could have done this in person without fidgeting. Wanted to pass on some advice I wish they taught during health class. Advice I never got from my parents either, if you count the warning to not come home if a. sick or b. pregnant. So here it is, enough stalling:

1. The number 1 prevention of HIV/AIDS is to get tested at the same time. That means you and your partner. Not knowing your status or their status is the top cause in the spread of HIV/AIDS. Assumptions get folks infected.

2.Using a condom is your responsibility to yourself. No one is going to say "Hey, I'm positive" or "I've got x,y,z." then hand you a convenient rubber.

3. Condoms don't protect for everything. N-9 might kill sperm but it does not kill the HIV virus or STDs. In fact, N-9 actually increases your risk of getting HIV/AIDS. That's why number 1 is so important.

4. Don't even think about kids unless you can financially multiply your income by two, all by yourself. That is what it will cost to raise a kid as a single parent. Multiply by three if it is you, a partner and baby. One of you won't be able to work full time and take care of a new born. You remember how hard it was when Mike (baby bro) was tiny. (this was around the custody trial and my eldest took over diaper changes, bottle feeding etc at the age of 5 and potty training at age 8. Convincing me that my ex is an ass.)

5. There are different types of sex. Most classes say to abstain from vaginal sex or anal sex to prevent pregnancy, STDs, and HIV/AIDs. Well oral sex is sex too. You can contract an STD from oral sex and having an STD increases your chances of getting infected, regardless of which side of the exchange you are on.

6. Condoms break, or come off during sex, or a partner can poke holes in it to make you a parent or get back at you. Always bring your own and put it on yourself. Make sure you're also holding on to the end closet to you when done. Condoms have been known to disappear inside, which kind of defeats the purpose.

7. Make testing a part of your check up, and a part of your dating conversation before sex. You're both adults. Well, you will be then hopefully.

8. Get real familiar with state laws on sex. They do have them and let them guide you when dating. In New Jersey, the age of sexual consent is 18. That means it's illegal for someone over 18 to date you if you're under. Prison sentences are anywhere from 5 to 30 years. In New Jersey it is statutory rape to have sex with anyone 13 and younger. So, no dating for you until age 15 mister! The sentence for aggravated sexual assault of a minor 13 and under is 10 to 20 years. Plus being listed as a sex offender. Which means, no contact with anyone under the age of 18. Which means no more school, no chance of a good job, no college and no family since you'd have to move out.

Sex with anyone under the age of 15 when you are 18 will get you a sentence of 5 to 10 years and registered as a sex offender. So, no dating until you're 15 mister and make sure they're in the same grade! I can't tell you not to have sex, although I really, really want to. Just make sure you are physically and legally safe. Remember "no means no" and that goes for you too. If you say "no" they have to respect you. Pushing the issue is a big sign of disrespect.

9. You are either sexual or asexual. You either have sexual interest in one or both sexes or you have romantic or platonic interest in one or both sexes. That would have cleared a ton of things up for me but you experience life by trial and error. Whether you have sexual interest or no sexual interest is fine. There's also no wrong person to have an interest in. They may be wrong for everyone else and perfect for you. Perfect for you is all that matters.

10. A good relationship is built on more than love. There is trust, honesty, respect and communication. That person you are with must love you just the way you are and you should feel the same. If they find some part of you disgusting, disappointing or whatever, that's not love baby boy.

11. Spend within your means. If you cannot afford something don't buy it. If your partner knows you can't then the gift you can afford will be twice as nice. Trying to impress with who you are not is not being honest, respectful, trusting or communicating. Not a good way to start a relationship. If you can lie about the little things no one believes the important things.

12. Always know that I love you just the way you are. There is naught that you could say or do that could stop me from loving you. My biggest concern will always be that you love yourself as unconditionally as I do.

Now pass this letter on when it's your brother's turn in Health class. It applies to all of you. I love you. I miss you.

Love Mom

Pray the Gay Away?

Last night's airing of Pray the Gay Away? on the Oprah Winfrey Network left me with so many things to ponder. Being gay myself, and quite comfortable with that part of me, I found myself easily angered at what seemed to be complete ignorance on some people's parts. However, when I put my anger aside, I was able to see that these people were not truly ignorant, they were in fact victims of the utmost damaging brainwashing I have ever seen.

I personally don't care how I 'became' a lesbian. If it was genetic, environment, trauma or a combination, it matters not to me. I am what I am and who I am and I how I got here really doesn't effect what I think about myself. However, anyone watching that program, gay or not, would be able to pick the gay-turned-straight guy out of a crowd of a thousand as a gay man. His appearance, his speech, his fluidity were very apparent. For someone who has been 'changed' to a straight man, I find it hard to understand why his mannerisms didn't change to straight ones as well. If his gayness was a behavior that could be changed, why was the sexual aspect the only thing about him that changed and nothing else? Why? Because he is still gay.

Anyone can change a behavior. I can go sleep with a million men if I wanted to. Does that make me a straight woman? No, it makes me a lesbian that just slept with a million men. Our sexuality isn't just about who we sleep with. It explains who we are as people. It effects who we relate to and connect with. Sexuality doesn't just equal sexual acts. Our actual sex lives, for the most part, are a very small part of what we do, yet for gay people it becomes all of how they are perceived. Confusing sexuality with sexual acts is why someone that doesn't understand same gender intimacy projects their disgust onto the gay person as a whole. It makes sense that these same people would then assume by changing the sexual act someone partakes in ultimately changes their being.

I am not a religious person. I made the decision not to be. However I believe anyone should have the opportunity to believe what they want and need to. It saddened me to see the children in this documentary growing up believing in their God yet thinking the God they expect to save them is the same God that is condemning them. The confusion that God would put someone "broken and wrong" on this earth, and that person is you, is a very difficult concept for a child, or anyone for that matter, to swallow. Growing up gay is very difficult to begin with. Growing up gay in a religious environment that doesn't accept you as a person is devastating.

I understand the reason programs that promote gay to straight conversion therapy exist. I understand for some life would be made "right" if only they could find a way to change. What I don't understand is why who you love and who you are intimate with dictate how you rank as a human being. And I don't understand how falsifying a behavior and lying to yourself makes you a better person than someone who is true to who they are and others.

Online Dating

I received an Email inviting me to join an online dating site. Because I have been in a committed relationship since 1997 I always laugh at online dating sites because my wife and I actually met online before it was fashionable and easily accessible. I scrolled through the Email and noticed the site was geared toward butch and femme women. It also noted categories such as ftm, mtf, genderqueer, stud, aggressive, stonefemme, stonebutch, and the list goes on. I realize I am getting older, and that I am in my fourth decade of life, but somehow the need to micro-label myself must have gotten past me.

Immediately I tried to stick myself in one of the categories; thinking, if I were to create a profile how would I described myself. "I Am" (check box) Genderqueer. "I Am Seeking" (check box)....um......um.....why must I choose? Hell, I don't even know what half of them mean. When did we as a community become so segregated that we all have to have tiny little communities within a community?

Labeling ourselves is indeed an identifier. It does help others recognize us. Unfortunately, allowing ourselves to focus on them severely limits the interactions we have with others as well as potential relationships. My wife is not someone I would typically "pick out" of a lineup. As a matter of fact, none of my long term relationships were. She also doesn't have a label. She is a woman. She is a lesbian. She is a lot of things to me, but none of those boxes. Admittedly, she was unaware of some of them too. So lets assume, hypothetically, that I joined the dating service, and she did too. I can almost guarantee, that even after having been in a relationship for almost 15 years, we would not find each other on there. Why? Because you cant label who you are inside. You cannot label what you need in a person. You can not put a label on what completes you.

I think back to our own online story. We met in a chat room. We spent hours, days, weeks and months talking among a group we all grew to know so well. And while we didn't meet face to face for quite some time, the communication was open and allowed us to get to know each other. Had I seen only her name on a list, or a profile photo, or the statement that she was a married straight woman many miles away, I would not have given her a second thought. I would have passed on something that became my everything.

We cannot box ourselves in so tightly that those that aren't like us, or aren't what we are used to get no chance to know who we are. Choosing your connections by labels is like walking through life completely unaware. I cant imagine what my life would be now had I opted for an "I Am Seeking" box. But I do know it wouldn't be what it is today.