I received an Email inviting me to join an online dating site. Because I have been in a committed relationship since 1997 I always laugh at online dating sites because my wife and I actually met online before it was fashionable and easily accessible. I scrolled through the Email and noticed the site was geared toward butch and femme women. It also noted categories such as ftm, mtf, genderqueer, stud, aggressive, stonefemme, stonebutch, and the list goes on. I realize I am getting older, and that I am in my fourth decade of life, but somehow the need to micro-label myself must have gotten past me.
Immediately I tried to stick myself in one of the categories; thinking, if I were to create a profile how would I described myself. "I Am" (check box) Genderqueer. "I Am Seeking" (check box)....um......um.....why must I choose? Hell, I don't even know what half of them mean. When did we as a community become so segregated that we all have to have tiny little communities within a community?
Labeling ourselves is indeed an identifier. It does help others recognize us. Unfortunately, allowing ourselves to focus on them severely limits the interactions we have with others as well as potential relationships. My wife is not someone I would typically "pick out" of a lineup. As a matter of fact, none of my long term relationships were. She also doesn't have a label. She is a woman. She is a lesbian. She is a lot of things to me, but none of those boxes. Admittedly, she was unaware of some of them too. So lets assume, hypothetically, that I joined the dating service, and she did too. I can almost guarantee, that even after having been in a relationship for almost 15 years, we would not find each other on there. Why? Because you cant label who you are inside. You cannot label what you need in a person. You can not put a label on what completes you.
I think back to our own online story. We met in a chat room. We spent hours, days, weeks and months talking among a group we all grew to know so well. And while we didn't meet face to face for quite some time, the communication was open and allowed us to get to know each other. Had I seen only her name on a list, or a profile photo, or the statement that she was a married straight woman many miles away, I would not have given her a second thought. I would have passed on something that became my everything.
We cannot box ourselves in so tightly that those that aren't like us, or aren't what we are used to get no chance to know who we are. Choosing your connections by labels is like walking through life completely unaware. I cant imagine what my life would be now had I opted for an "I Am Seeking" box. But I do know it wouldn't be what it is today.
I think you are writing from the heart and I agree. But as a transman...the further into transition I get the more the actual need to put it out there that I AM in transition when meeting a woman for the first time.
ReplyDeleteReason being? Most women who label themselves as lesbian, refuse to give someone like myself a second thought. Even if there is an attraction out of fear of what the community as a whole will think of them.
My now ex of 5 years labeled herself a lesbian and because of her fear of that same thing, I was not able to transition till 8 months ago.
I personally say, love who you do...and don't fear the attreaction. No matter the package. Love waits for noone. Keep up the good work.
I agree that you should let people know, but I also think clicking a box that tells only people looking specifically for a trans person to look at you, limits people that might love you for who you are, even if they never thought they would or could. Always be honest, but don't box yourself in. You never know who you might miss that way. Good luck to you! Thanks for reading.
ReplyDelete~EB