I am learning

I was thinking about how many opportunities we miss in life due to fear and expectation. I was brought up to put others first. I know it was probably not the most sound advice, but not much of what was instilled in me was. I had a mother who constantly reminded me that I should never seek out happiness. That if I was deserving, it should come to me. If things that I felt I needed didn't miraculously appear, I was not worthy of them. And that putting myself first was selfish. She always told me that if I had to ask for something emotionally I would never get it honestly. I believed that saying I needed something, asking for help, or admitting I was hurt would only make people pacify me, that I was getting those things falsely; there was nothing genuine in receiving what you had to ask for. She made me believe that if people cared for me and loved me they would know what I needed. And if they didn't know, I was unworthy of having it.

As an adult I can rationalize the absurdity in those teachings. I can tell myself I am worthy, and that no one else can possibly know what I need. I am able to understand the concept that asking for something emotionally does not make you weak. I even understand that people need to put themselves first in order to be able to be there for others. I get it. I just don't know how to do any of it.

For a lot of different reasons, some of us consistently put the needs of others before ourselves. I do it because I was taught that my needs didn't matter. For others it may be entirely different. Whatever the reason, when you put other people before your own well being, mentally or physically, you run the risk of losing who you truly are. You pass up opportunities that may have shaped you and your life into something completely different than it is now. If you put off doing something you need to do for yourself because someone else depends on who you are the way you are, ultimately you have cheated yourself.

I am slowly teaching myself this lesson. I am attempting to do what I need to mentally for me, and not worry so much about how it effects others. I am trying to undo forty years of thinking that what I need doesn't matter and that if I deserved to feel good I already would. I want to feel worthy and a priority, if to no one else, then to myself. I am learning.