Parents Matter

I have been a part of a lot of our communities for a very long time. I have been out as a lesbian since early on in high school. I graduated in 1986. You do the math. I always felt that my family, neighbors, town, state, country, just wasn't ready for me. For people like me. It made sense that my mother would go into denial and blame herself and that my dad would just ignore it all as if it didn't exist. That worked for them, and honestly, that worked for me too. My siblings didn't seem to care either way and are still fine with my relationships. Since I have been with my wife now for 13 years, my parents have been forced to live with it. They have been separated and then divorced for thirty years. They didn't have the advantage of collaborating their efforts to keep me hidden from view.

My mother is the type of woman that no matter what her children do, she feels it is a direct reflection of her. Growing up was stressful. It was hard to always be perfect in order to make sure mom looked perfect. The house was spotless, we were spotless, nothing was ever out of place or dirty or done without proper etiquette. She left us when I was ten. Up and left us with my father who had about as much parenting skills as, well, the recliner he lived in when we wasn't working. I didn't mind. Although I had to pick up mom's slack, I was able to do whatever the hell I wanted. And I did. (those stories for another time).

Distance did not make my mother more tolerant of me, and when the word lesbian was whispered amongst the family, it caused us to literally stop speaking (well her to me) for many years. She assured me that when the 'phase' I was in was over, things would return to normal.

Unfortunately for her, I am still in the phase. I guess she never believed it could last over twenty five years and counting. Time has passed, and my mother does talk to me. She pretends to accept me. She is civil to my wife. She claims her wedding invitation was lost in the mail back in 1998. All this really didn't and doesn't bother me.

I may not be bothered, but I assure you I am extremely envious of all the people I have met with accepting and encouraging parents. The ones whose parents hung out at the gay friendly BBQ you had in the backyard. When I was young these parents seemed super cool. Now that I am older, these parents are not just super cool, they are what may have saved their children from a lifetime of psychological issues just because of who they are. If you are fortunate enough to have one of these parents, give yourself a pat on the back and then go give your mom a hug.