As I look at the list of friends I am fortunate enough to have added to my new Facebook account, I am noticing many refer to themselves as Femme or Butch. I don't particularly like labels, and maybe that is because I wear too many, or non truly fit me. I don't know for sure. But I am finding myself increasingly envious of those that seem to have found peace within their 'label'. I question why I just cant fit the proverbial mold somehow. Don't get me wrong, I love being multifaceted. I wear a lot of hats. From sadist to accountant to mom. I embrace all the sides of me. Yet when someone asks what I identify as, my first response is 'everything' or 'nothing you are familiar with'. Its a struggle for me. I cant seem to fully embrace my 'label' as I don't have one in that sense. And I am not androgynous enough to let people know I am gender queer, or even queer for that matter. I am considering wearing a ever changing flashing LED sign on my chest letting people know what part of me they are tapping into.
I think a lot of my issues stem from self image. My breasts are too large to be able to comfortably dress as I feel. I want to look like a boi that looks like a girl that looks like a girl that looks like a boi. That's who I am, thats how I feel. I want to throw on a wife beater a pair of jeans my boots and a hat. That's the right outfit. Unfortunately my body is wrong. So I wear the boots, I wear the jeans......it stops there. I think, even at 40 something years old, I need to seriously have the reduction surgery and stop dabbling in the process. I would like to live out these next years of my life finally looking like I feel. I still wont fit those labels, but at least I will fit myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment