Day 8 - Eye contact - where my demons hide
While I do not really know what I was specifically thinking when I wrote that down to "get back to later", I do actually remember doing it. I was in my car on the way to work. I heard the song Demons by Imagine Dragons on the radio.
When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Every time I hear that part of the song it speaks of how bad I want to let people in. But it is a sad reminder of how I keep most of them at arms length. Being told I was no good, I was ugly, I was imperfect. I was in the way, I was not what people wanted me to be as a child has taken me a life time to stop believing.
My demons used to cause a lot of sadness and guilt. My demons have ruined relationships. I learned very early that if I let people get close, I will hurt them. That if they looked into my eyes, even if I wanted them there, they would somehow be subject to pain and misery. And if they were big enough to challenge me, and care enough to find their way in, I still could/would not allow that eye contact, because if they got to that point it meant I was then vulnerable.
I have a very hard time letting people know I feel vulnerable, when in reality it is in those moments I want someone the most.
It's funny how we carry certain things with us forever, even when they make no sense any more. I know I am not the person I used to be. I am not plagued by those demons to the point where they affect my relationships. Yet my rational mind cant seem to get the memo to my heart.
While I do not really know what I was specifically thinking when I wrote that down to "get back to later", I do actually remember doing it. I was in my car on the way to work. I heard the song Demons by Imagine Dragons on the radio.
When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Every time I hear that part of the song it speaks of how bad I want to let people in. But it is a sad reminder of how I keep most of them at arms length. Being told I was no good, I was ugly, I was imperfect. I was in the way, I was not what people wanted me to be as a child has taken me a life time to stop believing.
My demons used to cause a lot of sadness and guilt. My demons have ruined relationships. I learned very early that if I let people get close, I will hurt them. That if they looked into my eyes, even if I wanted them there, they would somehow be subject to pain and misery. And if they were big enough to challenge me, and care enough to find their way in, I still could/would not allow that eye contact, because if they got to that point it meant I was then vulnerable.
I have a very hard time letting people know I feel vulnerable, when in reality it is in those moments I want someone the most.
It's funny how we carry certain things with us forever, even when they make no sense any more. I know I am not the person I used to be. I am not plagued by those demons to the point where they affect my relationships. Yet my rational mind cant seem to get the memo to my heart.
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