Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

I realized today that when I am alone and able to think I do not ponder or reflect, I hold conversations in my head with myself and/or other people. If my quiet time is in the morning, I play out conversations that I assume will take place during the day. If my quiet time is driving home, I play out conversations I will be having while cooking, having dinner and prior to bed. When I brush my teeth I am practicing the lines I will use in bed or the ones I will try to deflect. If I don't think I will need to hold any particular conversation I usually spend the time arguing in my head with myself.

I came to the realization that I rehearse what I think the day will hold for me. If you know anyone with OCD, you can attest to the fact that any variation in a plan is never a good thing. For me personally, it frustrates and aggravates me unbelievably if anyone other than me changes the 'plans'. I suppose my quiet conversations with myself is me planning. Planning things that most likely will never play out exactly. I know I do it so I think I will never be unprepared in a social situation, but in reality I am just setting myself for the stress and frustration of having things go terribly different than my made up version of the day.

This morning I was holding a conversation with my wife, and although she was in the room, she had no idea we were conversing. It make me chuckle and wonder why I wasn't just talking out loud to her. The only answer I could come up with was that I was responding to a conversation that she started, but really never did. I thought about all the times when people say "whatcha thinkin?", and you respond "nothin". What fun it would be to actually let loose and start spewing the entire conversation to someone. "well you see, I just said, and she said, then I said, then you said".

The purpose of bringing this up really had nothing to do with my sanity or lack thereof. I just felt enlightened, and a tad distressed, at the fact that I bring on so much undo stress to myself. I imagine most people do in some form or another. I don't know what course I will take therapeutically to cease my silent destructive behavior. I suppose finding an answer to why I rehearse my life in the first place would be a good start.

So if ever I am eerily quiet, please just say "shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh".