Obsessive Relationships

I was thinking (odd I know), about how much I have changed over the course of the past couple of decades, even though I don't feel as though I have changed at all.

I still feel young and vibrant despite my age and the illness that kicks my physical ass on a regular basis. I am still driven by compulsions and manic behavior. I still make stupid decisions. However I seem to have grown into those behaviors and found a way to handle them at a more mature level. They are much less damaging to my life and relationships. As a matter of fact, most of my manic episodes go fairly unnoticed by anyone other than me. I disguise my short comings well.

This morning I was recalling my past. Particularly my 'relationships' if you will. I put that in quotes because a true relationship is shared by two people equally. Only now have I really found out what relationship means.

My adolescnce is full of one sided obsessive relationships. My addicitve behavior spilling over into my desire for people. Couple that with abandonment fears stemming from my BPD and what you have is a gender confused, obsessed, hormonal and mentally unstable young person vying for attention that is usually not reciprocated or even taken notice of.

I, not so fondly, remember stalking, creating shrines, stealing clothes, changing looks, and wanting the same things as the women I became fixated on. Many times they were older, always straight and usually unavailable to the likes of me. Sometimes I would luck out in my conquest, but only with those that recognized my relentless pining for them. Most time I went undetected and therefore found myself angry, frustrated and hurt but their lack of returned affection. I simply was unable to rationalize these women didn't even realize how they were effecting me. Perhaps I was just hoping they would come to me, validate that I was desirable without me having to put the idea in their heads.

Back in the day, when my addictions controlled every aspect of my life, obsessive relationships filled a void just as well as drugs. It enabled me to focus on something other than the pain I was feeling. Little did I know how painful those obsessions were to me. The residual effects I live with even to this day. Unhealthy relationships, even the ones others were not aware they were having with me, paved the way to even deeper self esteem problems, confidence issues, and feelings of being undesirable. I live with those feelings still.

Today I am not chemically addicted anymore. But I cannot say I am free of my obsessive relationship style or my manic behavior. I have learned how to fine tune it so it isn't as obvious to everyone else. While I am manic, I am happy. While I am obsessed with something, I don't have time to let negative thoughts in. I still feel as though I need to give a million percent to deserve even a small portion of that back, but I am working on that.

I have learned that obsessive behavior is not what defines your desirability. And that I will never, and should never have someone see me from those eyes. I have learned that obsessiveness is not healthy. What I cant seem to learn is how to stop wanting it.