You are admired, I am judged

Its never a good idea to let yourself envy others. Or so they tell me anyway. I cannot help it. I have always been envious of others. Not for what they have, or who they know, but for what they possess emotionally and who they are.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not a confident person at all. I am brassy and bold, loud and the center of attention. However all of those qualities come from fear and shyness, not confidence. I don't know how to be comfortable with myself. And it seems everyone else does.

When I look at some of you I see very brave people. People willing and able to be true to themselves. People honest in what they feel. People not afraid to do what defies everything they were taught. People willing to sacrifice almost anything for that honesty. For that I am truly envious. And apparently a coward.

When you walk down the street people look at you because you exude the true "I am what I am" air. They feel it, and most are OK with it. I walk down the street and people look at me because I don't fit in, I am shaped a little odd, and its obvious they know I am gender confused. You are admired, I am judged. This is how I feel.

I know this is not reality. I know you too have more than your share of self conscious moments. I also know that there are people that do feel my air and do respect who I am. Rationalizing is easy. Feeling the rationale is much more difficult.

I wonder where you got your confidence. Where you got your strength. When you realized that it just didn't matter what the world had to say about you. I wonder how you braved the journey you have taken and crossed the line from judgment to admiration. I should not envy, but I do.