Is it Vanity?

Vanity. A word that seems to make us all cringe a bit. It's defined as excessive belief in ones own abilities or attractiveness to others. We all know someone we would call vain. The person who always dresses to the nines, not because they have the class to, but because they have a need to look better than everyone else, and let you know they do. Someone who never leaves the house without makeup or their hair done just right. Someone who can't walk past a reflective surface without staring, fixing, and appreciating. Vanity sometimes makes beautiful people very ugly.

We have become accustomed to recognize superficial shallow people. Vain people. We think we are able to pick them out of the crowd and have no problem making a snide remark or subtle sound of disgust. But are we right in our assumptions? Are perceived vain people truly holding themselves above everyone else? Are they really that into themselves? I suppose the answer to that is yes, but probably a lot less than most presume.

I don't want to discuss the reasons why we are disgusted with those people, thats a topic in itself. The old green eyed monster comes to mind. I am more interested in who these people are. The people we call vain. And why they have such an air of greater than thou. If they are anything like me, they are overcompensating for a life time of body image issues, eating disorders, a traumatic childhood, and lack of self esteem.

I dont ever leave the house unkempt. My clothes are ironed every morning, my hair is where it needs to be, my makeup is always done. This does not make me vain, this makes me extremely distressed. I have not left my house any other way since the age of 13. That's almost 30 years of torturing myself. I was brought up to be perfect. Obviously that was impossible. However when you are told again and again that your lack of perfection reflects poorly on those around you, you cannot help but try all you can to come as close as possible.

I am well aware of where my issues derive from. I can rationalize most everything that plagues me. However I have never been able to get past what it has done to my self worth. And no matter how hard I try to look 'right' I never have.

So yes, I am the one looking into every mirror I pass. Not because I think I look good, because I keep hoping to see something other than what I have loathed all these years.