BBQ Anxiety

I was invited to a BBQ yesterday evening for a co-worker/friend's birthday. It was a surprise party. The days leading up to the party left me apprehensive. Actually from the moment I received the invitation I was apprehensive.

If you ask anyone that has spent time with me in a social situation, they will tell you that I am a social butterfly. That I can find common ground with just about anyone that starts a conversation with me. That I am witty, charming, and a bit of a flirt. The irony on all of that is, I don't feel that way about myself at all.

I have always questioned why people would choose to spend time with me, or seek out my company. Everyone else always seemed to be the superhero. Me, falling short of even the trusty sidekick. I think being my own worst enemy keeps me from social situations that apparently I fit very well into.

When I received the invitation to this party, I immediately scanned the Evite to see who was invited and size up my competition. I needed to know how I would have to dress, what I would need to bring, what drink would make me look appropriate. There is a lot of stress and anxiety involved in deciding to go to something social. I don't think I am socially inept just way too judgmental of myself. So much so, I assume everyone else is going to spend all night judging me too. I want to make sure I do everything in my power just to fit in and get lost on the crowd.

Fifteen minutes after arriving, I am already feeling settled. I have sought out the first familiar comfortable face and gravitated to it. After a cocktail and some small talk, I work the room (in this case, the yard). By the end of the night, I am everyone's best friend. People hugging me, crying to me, trying to include me. It feels unfamiliar even though this is what happens every time.

I had a great night. Like I do every time I muster up the courage to put myself into a situation that my head tells me not to. I am learning that the terrible things my life experience has caused my head to think about myself is truly not what other people's heads think of me.