Community

I have always been one to avoid any 'jump on the bandwagon' moments. For some reason I tend to muster up a distaste for the the popular things. Even if I really like them. It appears to most that I just refuse to give in to being part of the group. It doesn't matter what that group is. I would tell myself that I didn't want to look like a follower. That I didn't want people to think I liked things just because they did. Even when I knew I just plain liked it. In an effort to stay a nonconformist, I ended up isolating myself from things that probably would have been beneficial to me growing up and even as an adult.

I have identified as gay since high school. I never felt I needed any more validation than I had in myself. It was common to find me saying negative things about people that seemed to need community to feel good about who they were. I found it weak. I didn't understand it. Well thats what I said anyway.

I live close to several major cities. I have never been to a gay pride event. I thought it was stupid. I felt that coming together and drawing attention to yourself only solidified that you were different. Why, when the community seemed to be fighting so hard for equality would they feel the need to celebrate their differences? My mindset was, if you didn't make such a production, people that didn't understand it wouldn't either. I stood by these convictions, and will even voice them to this day. But in all honesty, I don't believe that one bit.

Now that I am in my 40s, I look back at this thinking, and realize it only came as a result of my own fears. Fears that people would not see me for who I was as a person, but rather lump me into a group with people. I would lose my individuality. And once you stand firm on something, it is very difficult to save face should you change your mind.

My feeling was that just because someone is gay, doesn't mean they are someone I would necessarily like. And just because someone was not gay, didn't mean they would dislike or not understand me because I was. I hate labels. I don't want to wear any. I think it puts a box around you that is very difficult for those outside to penetrate, or even want to try.

But by dong that, I have closed myself in my own little box. People are just wandering around it. All kinds of people. Some like minded, some not. The point is, without that group dynamic, I gave myself less opportunity to find people that truly related to me. In an effort to not look like everyone else, I became a no one. I became someone that people dont know how to identify with.

I have very very few friends. The ones I hold dearest are my kink friendly peers. Why? Because I embraced that 'community'. I didn't for a long time. But once I found the amazing energy this group enabled me to feel, I drew that community very close. Sure there are a lot of people that I don't like there too. But those I do, have become very instrumental in my life.

If only I would have stopped being envious of those that found comfort in groups. If only I had seen the possibilities in other communities, I think life would have been a whole lot easier.