Growing Up Queer

I am fondly, or not so fondly, remembering my youth. I hold the typical skeletons hostage in my closet and some not so typical. I can understand how those skeletons shaped me, or kept me from shaping myself. But in all honesty, I don't blame those early experiences for my choices or how I ultimately ended up. I think they all happened way before I realized the effects had already taken place.

What I do place some blame on, are my peers as I attempted to grow up queer. When I was in high school, being queer was handled by others in two completely different manners. You had the group of kids that accepted you, even wanted your attention, then you had the group of kids that were determined to hate, no matter what. I was fortunate that my high school was extremely small. Being eccentric and one of a kind was embraced. We were encouraged to think outside the box and be passionate about what we felt. And while this worked to my benefit coming out to my classmates, it also left the door wide open for those that chose to be passionate in their hate with little reprimand.

It strikes me funny how 25 years after high school the same people that spray painted 'lesbo' on my driveway have asked to 'friend' me on Facebook. The same kids that made up derogatory chants about my girlfriend and I for the football players to sing as they ran by my house, are the same ones that drop me notes like "Hey, how have you been?". They were very capable of moving on.

Apparently they have no idea how much their hatred has effected my life. Even to this day. My lack of confidence to be who I truly am in public has been largely effected. My need to hide myself from view is still very prevalent today. I don't hold my wife's hand and I cringe when she calls me honey in public. I wait around every corner for someone to start singing those songs, or humiliate me or my kids, or whatever.

I cant even say that it is a generational thing. I have heard plenty of stories from today's youth that prove, time has been slow to make changes. I feel sorry for all the tortured souls suffering. Not just the gay kids, but all kids. Homosexual or transgendered kids just seem to be easier targets. I fear for them. I lived many years suicidal, with several attempts. It breaks my heart to know these kids go to bed at night scared and alone and wishing they were anyone else beside who they are. Not exactly a way to gain the confidence needed to embrace life for all its worth.

Having resources for these kids is a wonderful thing. However, no amount of assurance spoken will make the 'feelings' being bullied riddles you with any easier. The words "get over it", "ignore it' and "people will pity you only so long" come at them with the best intentions. But when you fail to be able to change others by someone saying those words to you, it only sets you up for more feelings of failure. Definitely not what a young person needs that already feels helpless.

So my hat's off to you....all the people that give their time and energy in an attempt to create a safe environment for the next generation of kids that will have to endure growing up queer. The mentors, the motivational speakers, the authors, the screenwriters, the public that has listened and decided it was time for change.

We need more of you.