Dysphoric Dysmorphic

A state of feeling unwell or unhappy - dyshporic

Characterized by malformation - dysmorphic

Body dysmorphic disorder. A psychological disorder that leads one to obsess about a certain real or perceived flaw with their body.

I want to say that I suffer from this disorder. Hell, I suffer from a lot of them. According to the criteria, I fit the profile. I am extremely obsessed with certain parts of my body that I just cant seem to deal with. I carry a few middle age pounds around the middle and my breasts are abnormally large for my frame. I seem a lot more uncomfortable than anyone else I know. I find myself dressing 100% to conceal my problem areas. I make sure to sit a certain way to lessen the obvious. I suck in my stomach so much I don't know how to let it out anymore. I wear my bras smaller then I need and squeeze my breasts into them so they look smaller. I don't wear a bathing suit and I don't undress in front of anyone (including my wife). I don't want to look like the models in the magazines. I am not preoccupied with others looks. Everyone looks just fine to me. I am not shallow, I do not judge others. What I do notice about others is that I do not look like them. Even those that people would find unattractive and undesirable, I can find reasons why they look better than I do. I tell myself that most people don't think anything about me. I can tell myself that I probably look pretty normal. But I obsess all day with thoughts of people picking out my flaws, judging me, talking about me when I am not in earshot.

This disorder is fairly common. Many people have parts of their bodies they aren't happy with. For those that don't, I salute you. I wish I were you. I wish I was the extremely heavy lady on the beach in a string bikini. She has way more feel good than I do. But why? What makes me feel like this. Why do large breasts and 10 extra pounds consume my thoughts all day long. Do you realize how stressful that is? Spending every waking moment trying to hide yourself?

I truly believe that my gender identity issues contribute a lot to this disorder. and although they claim that surgeries usually don't fix the problem, I think differently. My lower body has no curves. I am very boy like. I have no waist, no hips and a very small tush. That fits me. That feels right. My upper body is curvy and larger and very feminine. And although I am not interested in losing the female that I am, it is way too much female for me.

Body dysmorphic or body dysphoric? Probably a little of both.

Someday. I keep waiting for someday.