The Crazy in Me

Having a 'mental illness' comes with a lot of stigma. Mainly because the majority of people do not understand it. I place no blame on their ignorance. Most people only learn of it when it directly effects them or a loved one. To the masses, mental illness just means crazy. Crazy is something we try to avoid. Hence, those who suffer are often avoided.

I really don't find it difficult to understand the lack of compassion most have for the mentally ill. Just as I don't find ignorance and unintentional biases about anything difficult to understand. Its all relative and all a matter of exposure and life experience.

I suffer from borderline personality disorder. Yes, its a mental illness. No, I am not completely off my rocker(unless of course you ask my family). BPD is usually caused by a series of events in a person's life. And yes, I can probably tell you how it came about. But then I am placing blame. Is blame something I need to assign? I have never thought so. I have always just figured I was a victim of unfortunate events when I was young. I have always told myself that it is my responsibility to handle myself properly in spite of those occurrences.

To most people, I look like anyone else. I function like anyone else. I am visibly a little more moody than some but I don't think I am the topic of anyone's dinner conversation. At almost 42 years of age, I have managed to get through life and be fairly productive. But this has not come without a challenge.

My gender identity issues are by far the thing that give me the most run for my money. Not because I am completely uncomfortable in being gender fluid, but because the rest of the world doesn't see it, doesn't relate to me that way and doesn't understand it. It puts me at a severe disadvantage in a lot of social situations. It puts me at a greater disadvantage during an emotional crisis.

My wife is probably the only one that truly 'knows' my gender issues, but I can't say that she fully understands them. She accepts the flexible spaces and compliments them most of the time. However it is very frustrating when she misses a cue. Suddenly the dynamic puts us on opposite planes. I get frustrated. I wait for her to 'find' me and come to center. Sometimes that just doesnt happen. Sometimes I am left feeling very alone and very helpless.

Those with BPD suffer incredible amounts of abandonment issues. Most of them completely irrational, but real just the same. So when I am standing on the opposite end of the spectrum, in a space that is not being related to, the perception of being abandoned is unbearable. With this comes resentment. "why didnt you come for me?". Clearly it is not my wife's fault, but the feelings are genuine and raw none-the-less.

Eventually I find my way back. I have learned that if I dont, I will just remain lost; that it isn't someone else's responsibility to save me from myself.