The Invisibility Cloak

I have been writing lately about whatever pops into my head. My intent of this blog was to cover the four main areas that many (meaning my family) would say were dysfunctional. I noticed when looking over my writings, that I haven't even touched upon addiction.

I am an addict. An addict of just about anything I do. I am obviously predispositioned to be easily addicted to substances, situations and people. While I no longer abuse drugs, I must admit that I am still an addict.

I spent a good portion of my life addicted to drugs. Cocaine was my drug of choice. I have used a lot of different drugs in my life time. It started with speed early on in high school. Gradually it progressed to marijuana, LSD and settling primarily on cocaine. I am not sure that any one drug was a gateway to the next. In all honesty, I did whatever was available. It wasn't until I was a young adult that I made the choice to purchase cocaine rather than other drugs.

I was always a 'functioning' addict. I held a job, a relationship, a car and a house most of the time. There were plenty of times that I believed I just did it for the recreational value. It wasn't until I became pregnant and couldn't stop using, that I finally realized I was a true addict, and that cocaine had truly taken over my life.

I journaled almost every night of that pregnancy. My fears for the baby, the hatred I had for myself and the disgust of my lack of will power. Each page was coded with a symbol so I could look back one day and see on what days I used and on what days I was able to overcome the desire. As I type this, the disgust and guilt is still almost unbearable.

I did not have family that I was close to during this period of my life. I was still pretty estranged from mother and the rest of my family lives by the 'out of sight out of mind' mentality. The people that loved and cared for me then, were the same ones I did the drugs with.

Don't get me wrong, these people were not typical junkies. They were all parents with children and held jobs etc. We were like some high society losers, putting our children at risk on a daily basis. That was all the family I had. I would purchase drugs several times a week, if not daily. My addiction looked obvious. It wasn't. I wasn't addicted to cocaine. I was addicted to having people 'care' about me.

During this pregnancy, I suffered job loss, homelessness, and car repossession. My cocaine friends put me up for while, fed me, helped with baby necessities and rides. I paid them back in drugs. It was win win until I got back on my feet and didn't need to repay them. What I found then was without the drugs, I was invisible. The same invisibility I had felt my entire life. I have always suffered with the invisibility cloak. I never seem to have enough to offer. People don't seem interested in who I am, just what I have. When the have runs out, so does their interest for me.

Since I have been drug free (nine years now), I have had a difficult time trying to shake the cloak. I still find myself feeling more interesting and important if I have something to offer. I shower people with gifts, and tend to put them first. I know its self destructive, but it makes me feel good.

As time goes by, and those that truly care for me continue to show me that they do, simply for who I am, I am able to sometimes accept that as fact. I still have a long way to go. I am still very much an addict.