Dissassociating

I suffer from panic attacks. Lately they seem to be occurring more frequently than usual. I no longer take medication for them, I no longer take any psych medications at all. They were causing more harm to my body than they were doing good to my head. I have spent many years with therapists and reading material finding ways to combat these attacks and move on undetected. For the most part it works. They aren't as debilitating as they once were, and most people don't know I even suffer from them.

A common symptom of a spontaneous panic attack is disassociation, which includes depersonalization and derealisation. There is little information as to whether a panic attack brings these on, or these events trigger the panic attack. For me, I can say with almost complete certainty, its the disassociation that brings on the panic attack.

When someone dissassociates, they enter a trance like state. It has been noted that this is considered an 'ability' not a reflex response. Most people who 'suffer' from this have been dissassociating since childhood, but never even realize it. Apparently this ability affords the child a defense to remove themselves from certain situations.

Dissassocaiting for me is scary. Many people embrace the ability, I run from it. Hence the panic attack that it triggers. Physically, depersonalizing is frightening. The feeling that you are not 'inside' your own body is not as much fun as it sounds. "Seeing" yourself from the outside is strange to say the least. Add to that the physical manifestations of derealisation, such as being in a dream, not being 'connected' to your surroundings etc, and it all becomes an awful experience for me. Tunnel vision, perceptions that your body is massively larger or smaller than it is, seeing stationary objects move etc, are all things that occur during disassociating. Ironically, I used to pay good money for drugs back in the day just to feel this same way.

The point of this all is to try to trace this particular 'ability' back to when I first realized it happened. And until I worked on the book I am writing, I would never have made the connection to the disassociation sensations and my childhood. However, now I can clearly recall many times (all fairly traumatic or memorable) that I used my 'ability' to escape.

I am unsure when the sensations began to trigger the panic. But through my writing and reliving, I hope to find out. I embrace the possibility of changing the effect it has on me, and once again be able to benefit from my 'ability'.