Worth Meter

Earlier in the week I was listening to a talk show on the radio during my lunch half hour. The discussion ended with the realization that the amount of sex you have with your partner in a week has a direct correlation to your frustration and aggravation levels toward said partner. While I don't totally agree with this, I do agree that intimacy plays a big part in keeping the waves smooth in a relationship. More importantly it keeps your self esteem from diving to the ends of the earth.

This week my self esteem and worth meter is pointing drastically to the zero mark. My stress levels are high, I am hypersensitive, and I am just plain feeling out of sorts. This is usually nothing more than a temporary inconvenience for both myself and those around me. It passes eventually with most people unscathed in the process.

The other night I was reading a quiz in a smut magazine. Most things didn't pertain to me as they were geared toward straight women, but it was entertaining none-the-less. I decided to ask my wife to answer some of the questions. What the hell, it will pass the time. Most questions I threw at her, I really didn't even listen to the answer. Mainly because they didn't pertain to me. Or more honestly, they weren't a threat to me. However, a couple of the questions were answered in a way that I did take them personally and badly to say the least.

As a rational person, I can tell myself that I am being foolish. That these things don't truly effect me. But in reality, they do. I kept recalling the radio show and their correlation and realized that it applies to me. I do associate the amount of intimacy with feeling desired and wanted. And when you begin to feel replaced by the television and/or masturbation, it becomes a challenge to rise above feeling unwanted and inadequate.

And so goes my week. Feeling hurt. Feeling foolish. Feeling less than desirable. Feeling way too many things all at one time. I'm working to find my way out of this place. Its not good for me and I don't like it. I think I will start by canceling my magazine subscriptions.