Compartmentalizing

Today I stepped out of the comfort zone. I invited someone from my past into my world here. I am fairly certain it was a safe choice, and wouldn't have sent the invite if I thought otherwise. I found myself having a slight panic attack after doing so though. I went back and reread my blog entries to make sure something I wished to remain a secret from my past wasn't in there.

This moment is not new to me. I feel this all the time. I have constantly had to battle what I felt with what others would think of me. Its so easy for people to tell you not to care what others think. But honestly, that is just not possible for me. I am so critical of myself and assume others are just as critical about me as I am. I can probably trace this back to the lovely teachings of my mother, but it doesn't really matter how I got here anyway.

What matters is that I feel my life has to be so compartmentalized. I have groups of people that I interact with in different areas of my life. Most don't cross the lines. I do have a select few people that know me......all of me. Those people are all kink friendly people. Kink friendly people, to me, seem the most accepting group of people I have ever had the pleasure of being in a community with. I am completely 100% OK with being whatever and whoever I am with those people. Some of them I also call friend. That's where the line crossing stops.

I look around my work space. I am friendly with these people. Most know I am gay. A couple know I dabble in kink, but not to what extent. None know I am gender fucked. They are not privy to any more than my family. I spend the majority of my day with these people, and yet they know the least.

After I began this blog and my friend list on Facebook under this name grew, I found a staggering amount of young people that were suffering gender identity issues. And even though I do not feel as though I am the wrong sex, I can understand and relate to the pain and frustration they have and are going through. I don't completely fit myself either.

What astounds me however, is the sheer number of these people, many very young, that seem to have found the support and courage to make the life changes they want and need in order to complete themselves. I don't want to generalize because it is so individual, but I am speaking of body modifications mainly.

My question is, how did these people find the support they needed to achieve these things so young? How were they capable of addressing their turmoil with friends, family and co-workers? It just seems completely unfamiliar to me.

I had a hard enough time mustering up the courage to let someone from my past know I am gender fluid. I think panic alone would kill me if I had to present my plans for life and body altering changes to people.

Kudos to your strength. I wish I had some.