Senses Reeling

We all know we have five major senses. Some of us have the proverbial sixth. But do you truly pay attention to what your senses are telling you? Do you really appreciate the magnitude of their capabilities? I, for one, definitely appreciate my senses to their fullest.

Sight is probably the one sense I rely on the least for emotional attachment. Seeing things doesn't seem to evoke as much emotion as say, hearing or smelling. Actually I find that my sense of sight brings on more negative feelings and memories. My guess is that sight is used so much that we rely on it for most things. It has the ability to trigger judgment, on both ourselves and others, a lot more readily than the other senses.

Hearing is also used to a great extent. However one must hear something particularly disturbing to trigger a negative feeling. Hearing is much more apt to bring forth pleasant memories. This, by far, is the sense that carries me to many places, all in a single day.

I love music. Music has been very instrumental in my life. It has allowed me to escape, to express myself, to wallow in self pity, and to recall butterfly in my stomach moments. It enables me to associate with all the different parts of my persona. There is hardly a time when music is not available at my fingertips.

I was driving home from New Hope the other night and was listening to my IPod. I was noting how easily my mood and my personality could change when the songs did. I started wondering how something could have such power over me. How I have associated certain tunes and tones with certain people or times in my life. Its not just 'our song' types that trigger it. Its the melodies and tones themselves. Its the sound of the singer's voice or the genre of music. Memories flood into me quickly.

Unfortunately, as much as I appreciate my senses keeping me very in tune with my emotions, I equally harbor a distaste for the way it sends me reeling into head spaces I am just not prepared to be in.

If you have read my earlier blog entries, you would have noted that I suffer from borderline personality disorder and gender identity issues. Imagine how distressing it is to hear a song, be taken to a particular memory, settle into the feelings those memories bring forth, only to be flipped to somewhere else as soon as the next song comes on. And although most people can relate to music reminding them of a special moment in time, being taken between genders at a moments notice can cause quite a feeling of being unbalanced. Especially when I am not alone.

I relate to people on a certain level and from a certain part of my personality. Each person taps into a different space and I tend to associate time in their company with a certain dynamic. So listening to music in their company can bring me to a place that simply cannot be associated with them. Its frustrating and can even cause me to feel unfamiliar with my relation to them at that moment. I have, in the past, temporarily left a party, work, my partner or my kids presence, because I was no longer in a space they could identify with. All because of music.

So, thank you IPod, for making the 'playlist' option. You have no idea what a saving grace it has been.