Blame

There are times in our past that we look back on and cringe. Events that should never have occurred, or things that should have and never did. We all carry ghosts and sadness in our closest. Everyone has some story to tell.

Last night I was thinking about how envious I am of people with families that so obviously love them. I have no doubt that my parents loved me, but it always felt more of an obligatory love as opposed to a genuine one. There were no kisses or hugs. I cant remember an "I love you" that wasn't provoked by gift giving or a special occasion. I don't remember ever feeling a time that I thought the people closest to me in my life truly wanted to be with me or have me near them. I suppose its possible that my recollection is somewhat skewed by my hurt and poor memory. And surely my parents would conclude that I am completely off target, even though my siblings can attest to the recollection.

I realized last night that I place blame way too easily. It seems so simple to say "I blame you" when I probably should be saying "I wish things had been different". Just because something didn't turn out the way I wished it had doesn't necessarily mean someone is at fault. And although the events in my past have shaped my life as it is today, it has always been my choice to work through the pain and the ghosts, or allow them to control me. Unfortunately there are things that have occurred that have made that task extremely difficult. And yes, there are times when someone was to blame for the direct pain. However even those people are not to blame when it comes down to how I have handled coming out on the other side. They are to blame for creating some of my psychological issues, but not for how I have managed those issues as an adult. Do I wish I had a better childhood? Sure most people do. I wish I didn't struggle daily with the effects of poor parenting. But I am the only one that can decide how things effect me. And although I find it so easy to blame others for contributing to a life time of struggle, I also find it rewarding when I can overcome. Sometimes I am even proud of myself, even if no one else has ever told me they were proud of me.