I haven't written in a couple of days. Life at home has been hectic and full of surprises that are not only taking up my time, but are draining me emotionally. I figured no one would care if I didn't post. Heck, I'm fairly certain not many people go out of their way to read this blog.
However, the other day someone mentioned that they related to my words. And while she is not the first person to say so, she was a very surprising one. This woman is someone I truly know. Maybe not as well as I once thought I did. But I know her, and frankly she was one person I would have said had nothing in common with me other than we shared some moments many years ago.
The messages I received made me feel very grounded. I found myself wanting to write for her. To find things that might be comforting to her. To expand on the topic she was drawn to and hope she finds some safety in it. I was inspired and hyped to write. But I didn't.
I questioned myself after the initial excitement wore down. I started to question my writing intentions. I started asking myself why I felt such a powerful urge to write when I knew she was reading and relating. I realized that maybe I am not just writing for me. And that made me feel narcissistic and needy. It reminded me of the struggles I have had all my life. Of only feeling important if I am making someone else feel good.
I am not a professional writer. I write because I feel. I feel a lot. I struggle a lot with those feelings. Writing helps me rationalize, compartmentalize and organize those emotions. It helps to keep me centered and productive. For some reason I thought that what I had to say could be useful or even just entertaining reading for others. I know there are people out there afraid to express themselves, or be honest to themselves, or unable or willing to find anyone like them. I was one of those people. And I wish I knew one of me during my most trying of struggles.
I chose this forum because its very available and I do not have to censor myself. I chose a fictitious name so I could write what I truly felt, not what I would want my grandmother to read. I have learned a lot about myself from these writings, and each one brings forth new things I want to understand about myself and share.
Taking all that into account, I am struggling now with my motive and if it feels sincere. Am I writing for me? Am I trying to help others or is this self indulgent? Does anyone even really want or need to read this? And is it OK to run with the amazing amount of inspiration I get when someone does relate?
I have a tendency to not think I'm doing anything spectacular, then every once in a while a friend will tell me I'm "radical," or congratulate me for living "my dream." I don't feel particularly radical every day--I go to work, I wear my clothes, I love my loves, I play what I play and do what I do. But it's good to remember sometimes that we ARE radical. It's rare to find people who are dedicated to finding, being, and loving themselves. There are people who feel a little (or a lot) better being themselves even after just witnessing someone else be true to themselves--whether we're walking around unconsciously defying gender, or sharing our stories, our thoughts, and our loves. This is my belief, and this is why I share, emote, and write. If being true to myself weren't enough, I also have the joy of feeling that somewhere, someone is accepting, loving, finding, and becoming more themselves, just knowing there's someone else out there doing it too.
ReplyDeleteYou are radical. And what you share most definitely doesn't do any bad... and probably does a lot more good than you'll ever know.
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Echo, i make a point of reading your blog when you put notices in FB, and also i'll go look every couple of days on my own, now. i do this because i guess i do relate. i live particularly in my feelings and sometimes i wish i could put these overwhelming, confusing and diffuse feelings into a focused thought. i appreciate it when people can do this. sometimes i wish i could share these feelings without being so totally embarrassed...usually i give up because i can't see how anyone else could possibly care. i just want to say that i do care, and i hope that me saying so, helps. please don't worry about your motivation, do this for yourself, whether you publish or not. i feel privileged to be able to read your thoughts and hope you keep posting them.
ReplyDeleteMy sincerest gratitude to you both. Deep down I know what I have to say is important. For me, and for someone else somewhere. Thank you for validating that for me.
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