Roles

Last night I watched a film from 1977 called Word Is Out: Stories of Some of Our Lives. It was an unscripted story by 26 different people talking about gay life in times past and their present. I missed a considerable amount of the beginning, but found myself riveted to the home movie feel of the documentary.

I was only nine in 1977. And although by that time I had already established myself as the neighborhood sadist, the girl who wanted to be a boy, and the child infatuated with older women, I had no idea what queer was, that I was one, or what they went through trying to be themselves.

I came to my full awareness in the 80's. And although times had changed considerably since the 50's, 60's and 70's the documentary was based on, things were not so hot in the 80's either. There was still a lot of negative stigma associated with being gay then. Heck, there still is now. But the roles seem more relaxed, even if the world doesn't.

One woman in the movie was talking about their roles back in the 50's and early 60's. How butch and femme were your options and each had roles as such. Understandably this makes sense since the entire world was based on male roles and female roles at that time. Today our roles as male and female are drastically different and mingled. And while women are still finding their way out of oppression, stepping out of traditional gender roles is normal. Women in business and men raising children are examples that roles are not as defined.

This got me thinking about the roles I have taken on in my life. Honestly, the word role is unfamiliar to me. While I agree that certain personalities lead people to categorically fall into a dynamic within a relationship, I don't feel that roles are an accurate term if you are being honest with yourself and who you are. I am certainly the more masculine part of my relationship. And because of this I tend to be the handyman of the house, the mechanic of the cars etc. However, I also share the housework load, do the cooking and defer spider killing to my wife. She is the more feminine piece of the puzzle we call us, but is the one that tends to the yard work primarily.

I can remember a time, when I was young, that I felt the need to fit a mold more than I do now. That if I were the one to wear the pants in the house, I was the one that took the responsibilities of the traditional pants wearer, the man. I believe this to be handed down unspoken rules of the time period this documentary was portraying. I am unsure if those roles were expectations lesbians had of each other, or simply an attempt to replicate the roles that people were familiar with. Were the roles pacifying them, or an attempt to fit in with society?

Is the world more comfortable with us now? Or are we more comfortable with ourselves? Has leaving some of the traditional roles lessened some of the hate? Has creating our own dynamics with each other allowed less comparison from heterosexuals? I think perhaps having less in common leaves less room to pick out the differences. Creating our own roles has lessened the competitive nature.

Tolerance for doing something completely different seems to be easier to find than tolerance for doing something familiar 'wrong'.