Fetishes

Fetishes are quite common. I would think its safe to assume that a lot of vanilla people have fetishes as well as those of us that embrace them within the BDSM community. I think thats what differentiates us from them in the fetish world. But this post is not about who handles their kink in the best way. I really have no reason or right to say any one way is better than the other.

What has been plaguing me is the correlation to childhood experiences and the fetishes that we carry as adults. I cannot say with any certainly or scientific proof that one has anything to do with the other, but from a psychological standpoint, I can't imagine that it doesn't.

For me, what excites me in the S&M world is sometimes a recreation of past experiences, twisted to suit me, as well as complete opposites of my experiences. Let me explain. I am a top, a dominant, a sadist, a Daddy, a whatever you connect with me as. I am fueled by the control, the pain, and the helplessness I deliver. I am sexually stimulated by the sights, sounds and smells of someone's submission. But where does this come from?

Looking back, I remember experiences, that if I were to eroticize them now, would put me in a very submissive position. The bare bottom spankings, the overpowering mother striving for perfection, the childhood bondage and rape. Most people I know who have been victims of such occurrences tend to relive and eroticize these moments from similar perspectives as adults, in a safe and controlled way. I, however, seemed to have taken on the role of my predators.

When I am in the throws of a S&M scene or finding myself in a D/s moment, I am reliving and romanticizing my childhood experiences. When I demand proper protocol and perfection, its because my experiences have taught me that my worth depends on it. And when I take my time to meticulously restrain someone, it is because my own bondage experience took hours and was looked upon by eyes of desire and adoration. When I incorporate kink into my sexual encounters, it is because the rape was long and deliberate and felt kind and caring. When I administer sensory deprivation, I am remembering the loss of sight, sound, time and place that have occurred in many different scenarios as a child.

Have I become a predator? A part of the viscous cycle of abuse? I don't think so. I believe for me, my kinks are directly related to my experiences, and I am reliving them. I could probably conclude that my reliving them from the dominant position enables me to deal with them psychologically but not physically. There have been times in my life that I was granted the forgiving moments of handling these experiences from a more vulnerable spot. It was very rewarding mentally albeit very uncomfortable to who I naturally feel I am. Sometimes I wonder who I would be today if I had allowed myself the true vulnerability to heal.